Tough Day Ahead

tough dayAs I expected, I heard from S last night, I would guess it wasn’t long after Betty Boop was gone home.  Nothing was accomplished, I had told him he was unblocked in case he had anything to say to me.  Apparently he did not, last night, though he says he has plenty to say, but chose not to say it.  Of course, I was in bed, I was exhausted having slept very little the night before.  I had no expectations from him.  I just left the lines of communication open.

Why?  I don’t really know.  In hindsight, I don’t know that it was even a healthy thing to do.  He burned the bridge, when he played me.  I don’t know that hearing from him will dull the burn still blistering on my skin.  I woke up this morning feeling nauseous after about 5 hours of sleep.  Nauseous and crying, and wondering how he could do that to me, again.  Then I thought of A’s calm steady love of me, and how he gently, and carefully, and sweetly talked me down yesterday.  How he offered me the unconditional love that S spurned.  It was calming, to know that A will always be there for me.  Even as just a friend, he is a male friend who loves me, and understands how I love people.  I am so grateful that he is still in my life.

Maybe if I talk to S, I will get a clearer picture of who he is, and how he could do what he did to me, making it easier to let him go.  But maybe not.  I have a feeling he still wants me in the periphery of his life, to be able to text and talk to me, and to spend his time with Betty Boop.  That’s not going to happen.  No matter what, I cannot go back to where I was.  He made his choice, spraying out as much pain as possible in his wake. I don’t want to be with a man who can do that.

I bought Brene Brown’s new book “Rising Strong” last night, after watching her on SuperSoulSunday,  I think it is exactly what I need to hear to heal from this devastation, to find my way back to wanting to live.  She says, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, joy, creativity,…but if you’re going to be vulnerable, you are going to fall down.”  This book is about getting back up….and exactly what I need right now, help in getting back up.

This day is going to be tough.  I have to work til 7 tonight and I was awake at 4 am, and am still so stressed, I can feel my heart pounding in my chest.  It will be good though, to get back to a regular schedule, and not to be alone all day.  I know the people who love me will check in with me.  I’ll make it through the day, and hopefully be a little better tonight than I am this morning.

Love and light everyone.

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Burning the Bridge

This is an old song by Judy Collins.  It was my anthem, when i was in the process of escaping my abusive ex-husband.  But it seems appropriate again, now, with S.  Running…running….For my life.

Image result for Burning bridges

RUNNING FOR MY LIFE

Riding the night train, New York, to LA,
Gonna go and get me some sunshine.
Clipping along t’ward the Colorado Rockies,
Leaving you behind me.

There’s a cold icy wind blowing like a demon
Off Lake Michigan.
I’m going where the weather is warm and the heat off.

You burned me out and you did me in,
You beat me at the game
I can not win.

I’m going where the pace is slower,
The stakes are lower.
I’m running for my life.

Tomorrow I’ll wake up without you.
I’ll curl my hair, and listen to my heart.
I don’t want to hear a word about you,
I’ll do what I care to do,
I’ll do what I dare to do.
I’m running for my life.

I can see the switch man out in the freight yard,
Waving his lights at my train.
Red fir stopping my heart from beating,
Green for driving me insane.
And the rain is pouring,
And the wheels are rolling past that Nevada line
I’m going where the weather is hot,
And you are not.

I played the fool I believed your lies,
I danced till I was nearly paralyzed
I’m gone and going.
I’m running for my life

Tomorrow I’ll wake up without you,
I’ll get a room with windows on the sea
I’ll do all the things I could never do,
You never will find me here
Not a thing to remind me here.
I’m running for my life

Sky’s getting bright with California sunrise,
Shining its light on my train
Drying my tears soothing my fears,
Taking away my old pain.
And the engine’s rockin’ and the wheels are talkin’
About the tracks ahead,
I’m going where the world is new and the past is dead.
You brought me low and you got me high

I laughed so hard I thought that I would die.
I’m leaving you with my bridges burning,
There’s no returning.

I’m running for my life
I’m running for me life