I am almost out of wine, not a good situation on a Friday night,  I think I have enough to get me by tonight.

I missed S for less than a second.  I missed A more, because I would have been safe with A.  I’m a little sick of living on the edge.   Which I always was.  Sometimes with my toes hanging off, leaning back on my heels to stay out of the abyss.

A pulls me back.  Keeps me attached.  Keeps me on solid ground.  S pushes me over the edge and can’t understand why I’m screaming. So I stopped giving him the opportunity.

Every day things come up that I’d like to be able to tell him, that I know he’d get, and maybe no one else would.  But I don’t, I won’t.  It just opens the door to all the emotions I have to heal from. I talk to A.  It’s not the same connection, but whatever it is, it’s a loving connection, where he puts me first.

I chose not to tell A about the dream.  He doesn’t need to know, he just needs to know I’ve worked through a lot of stuff.  While I think he’d get it on some level, he might get upset with the energetic connection, communication, I had (have? possibly..) with S. Even though I told him to leave, the overall idea might be upsetting to him.  Because it was definitely something. And I’m not at all surprised, that we communicated that way, though it was distressing.  I called the psychic today, left a message.  I’m anxious to see her  I hope she can see me next week, but I have no idea how she schedules.

I still don’t know how I feel about A.  Tonight I miss him, but I’m also feeling that’s just because I’m lonely and he’s so present with me.  I know he’d make me feel good, important, beautiful.  I’ll just let it be tonight.  I’m too tired to try to do any serious investigating.  No serious rumbling tonight.

Peace out.  Love and light.