The Search for Excruciating Joy

joy is

The closer I get to retiring the less I want to go to work.  It’s hard when you are a relatively short timer.  This morning was particularly difficult.  Maybe because I was up for about an hour in the night last night.  And maybe because when I woke up I had a little vertigo, which happens from time to time. Maybe because I was alone all weekend, which was 3 days because of the snow Friday. Maybe because it’s going to snow for the next 4 days, on and off.

UGH. I am really a whiny baby this morning.

I am going to get my oil changed on the way to work this morning. It’s so overdue, I’ve never let it go this long. I just kept forgetting. Bad, bad. I need this car to last me.

On a positive note, I got a couple necklaces made yesterday, one of them a gift for my sis when I go to Florida. I got the tray cleaned off that I lay them out on, it was so full of single beads and chips and chain and clasps left over from other projects it was almost difficult to lay a new one out.

I guess my problem at the moment is that ordinary is not cutting it for me. I want joy, excruciating joy. The kind of joy that makes your skin sensitive, your head spin it is so intense. Joy. My life is good, it’s fine, but at the moment, so ordinary. So bland. I don’t want drama, God knows I’ve had enough of that. I just want joy.

So I was looking for a picture to put at the top of this blog. I searched “Joy”. All I could find was “choose joy” or “joy comes from within”. Or something along the lines that it’s not something you find, it’s something you decide to live.

I know this. I’ve always known this. I shake my head at how far from my center I am this morning. I see where my work lies. About to do a little resetting of my attitude.

Yeah, excruciating joy. That’s all.


Just a Kiss

He kissed her that first day,

Sweet and tender.

He held her, and she him.

It held so much promise.

She looked for it, anxiously

every moment they were together.

But it became elusive.

She searched,

She waited.

Small kisses goodbye

but not like that first day.

With passion and longing and desire.

Then one day he thought he would lose her

and he kissed her again

with longing and desire.

There it was.  Out of the shadows.


But then, inexplicably, it ran back to lurk in the shadows 

She knew it was there,

She reached for it

She could never find it.

In fact, after awhile she couldn’t even find a hint of it.

Not a clue.

It was just a memory,

Slowly receding from view.

Soon it was gone,

and he was gone.

And so, in the end,

She was gone too.

Looking for that elusive kiss

From someone not afraid to be seen.

Or to feel

Or to take the chance.

It was just a kiss.

It will be just a kiss.

Just a kiss.