Just Some Observations

 I wrote a blog about S and I, about how we would get together after work. But I’ve deleted it, just now. Decided it was too personal. 

I went to bed last night, and just thought about how it was, and how he could be that way with me, and then leave and go to her bed the next day…and never tell either of us.  What kind of mentality allows someone to do that?

How could it not be special?  He said, after I found out, “My relationship with you is nothing like my relationship with her.”  How could he separate his emotions like that? How could he be two different people? How could he not feel extreme guilt when he was with either of us?

Well, we always pay.  What we bury, or ignore, or deny, our bodies deal with.  No wonder his diabetes is back.  No wonder he had those terrible headaches last summer.  Maybe the headaches were a lie too, just an excuse he made up so I wouldn’t press him to see him on Saturday night.  Nothing is for sure anymore.

I told him, back when I would talk to him, to see his pulmonologist.  I didn’t think the health issue I was feeling was his diabetes.  I thought it had to do with his breathing.  Probably because when I’ve done reiki on him, his heart and throat chakras were so blocked.

It’s all just an observation now.  I look at what happened without emotion now.  It’s not really even a pleasant memory anymore, just a memory, like a dream that suddenly goes bad.

You wake up, and say, it was just a dream.  An hour later, you’ve forgotten it.

I’ll find someone else to sit on the deck with me and stargaze.  I’m letting go, with every word I write.  7 weeks out, I think I’m doing pretty well.

8 responses to “Just Some Observations

    • Thanks do much. I think I’ve let go emotionally, at least of the hurt. But the depth and breadth of the deception to me and to her, just still blows me away. I fail to comprehend it. It’s only been a week since I found out how much he was lying to the both of us. Still trying to understand, but I think it’s just one of those things that won’t ever make sense. Can’t rationalize an irrational act. I’ll just let it go one of these days.

      • I know what you mean..some things we would never understand!! And to be honest they wouldn’t have an answer for it either… That’s the worst thing.. But I have starting believing that everything happens for a reason. It’s definitely made you stronger! I know the depth of it will take a long time to let go without you realising, my relationship broke up in June and he’s getting married to someone else now and even though I have let go .. I still think about it everyday !! But keep strong and look at the positives in life

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