I wrote a blog about S and I, about how we would get together after work. But I’ve deleted it, just now. Decided it was too personal.
I went to bed last night, and just thought about how it was, and how he could be that way with me, and then leave and go to her bed the next day…and never tell either of us. What kind of mentality allows someone to do that?
How could it not be special? He said, after I found out, “My relationship with you is nothing like my relationship with her.” How could he separate his emotions like that? How could he be two different people? How could he not feel extreme guilt when he was with either of us?
Well, we always pay. What we bury, or ignore, or deny, our bodies deal with. No wonder his diabetes is back. No wonder he had those terrible headaches last summer. Maybe the headaches were a lie too, just an excuse he made up so I wouldn’t press him to see him on Saturday night. Nothing is for sure anymore.
I told him, back when I would talk to him, to see his pulmonologist. I didn’t think the health issue I was feeling was his diabetes. I thought it had to do with his breathing. Probably because when I’ve done reiki on him, his heart and throat chakras were so blocked.
It’s all just an observation now. I look at what happened without emotion now. It’s not really even a pleasant memory anymore, just a memory, like a dream that suddenly goes bad.
You wake up, and say, it was just a dream. An hour later, you’ve forgotten it.
I’ll find someone else to sit on the deck with me and stargaze. I’m letting go, with every word I write. 7 weeks out, I think I’m doing pretty well.