Stuck

The last 12 hours have been the hardest yet.  I guess it’s just waves that wash over you.  I am always blindsided by the sorrow, the pain, when it comes back.  I think I am ok, better, healing, and suddenly all I want is to hear his voice, to have his arms wrapped around me.  Like an idiot, it is stupid, my head knows this.  I wish my heart would tag along.  It is all I can do not to call him, not to have direct contact.

I know that sending that text was wrong.  I know in the end, it does not facilitate healing but keeps the energetic cords between us. I know all this.  I believe it, I am a Reiki Master, for God’s sake, but I cannot shake this.  I can perform self-Reiki, I have done this, almost every day, it is only effective enough to get me to sleep.  Or make me stop crying.  But the physical ache for him won’t go away.  To send that text, when he is determined to be with her, is just self defeating.  Stupid, to be trying to get answers.  If I get them, will I feel safer?  Will I feel less pain and anger?  No.  There is nothing to be said for the cruel way he left me for her, for the heartache he didn’t care about, for behaving like a teen-age boy, sending me a text. A cowardly, juvenile text.  It is still unfathomable to me, that he could do that.

So, I know I have to get through this, without contact.  I will never heal if I have contact.

My girlfriend and I power-washed my deck this morning.  It’s a beautiful fall day, and we talked and drank coffee.  She asked how I was, I said, you know, it comes and goes.  She said, You’re mourning.  I said, yes it’s almost like someone died.  Today is hard.  Weekends are hard…and told her why. It’s only been a week.  She hugged me. I guess I’m doing ok for only a week.  I’d so rather be angry at him.  It’s so much easier than just loving someone who doesn’t want you.  Geezus. so much easier to walk through.

I’m grateful my son is home today.  We planned a good dinner tonight.  I’m going to make brownies too.  I am beat from doing the deck.  I need to vacuum my bedroom, to change out my closets for the winter.  I need to stay busy, so I can get through this day.  I need to be so tired I pass out tonight.  Maybe some wine would help, usually a drink and an Ambien at least gives me enough rest to get through the next day.

I keep writing about it, hoping I will release the pain through my words.  Maybe it makes it worse, I don’t know.  At times I feel like I am OCD with writing.  But usually, it seems to give me the only relief I can find, so I’ll keep doing it. I’ve always had to put my emotions out on the table, so that even I can see them.  And whatever happens happens.  I made myself vulnerable the first time I told him I loved him.  Sometimes it works, sometimes you get knocked down.  But at least I know I gave all I could to the possibility of him.  I know I held nothing back.  I have no regrets about my actions.  I have learned a few lessons.  Lessons I think I could have done without, but who knows what my soul’s journey is.  I must have wanted to learn what this feels like or it wouldn’t have happened.

Next lifetime I think I’d like to know what a healthy loving relationship is.  Please…..