Sleep and Trust

sleep and trust

For years I was such a bad sleeper. I guess that’s normal, living with a sociopath whose purpose in life was to create chaos in yours, and your sons. Never knowing what you might wake up to. Wondering if the earth would tilt on its axis by morning. I took over the counter sleep aids for years on end. Never went to bed without some sort of help, and often, they didn’t help. I’ve taken 4 Tylenol PM and not gone to sleep.

I often wonder if I did any damage to my body all those years. I figure not sleeping probably would have done more.

Since I moved out of that house, it’s been rare that I take anything. It took some time to wean myself off of the fear of not sleeping. I wasn’t physically addicted to the sleep aids, but I had a lot of fear of not sleeping at all, and having to go to work and be functional the next day. Now, I know if I don’t sleep one night, I will sleep the next. So I don’t generally take them.

Last summer though, when the carpal tunnel was really bad, I got prescription Ambien which helped me to sleep through some of the pain. That particular ailment gives you the most pain when you are sleeping. I’d have to get up multiple times during the night to run my hand under warm water, to relieve the throbbing. The Ambien got it down to just once usually.

As soon as I was through the surgery and the carpal tunnel was no longer an issue, I found out about Betty Boop. Which sent me into another tailspin, in which heartbreak combines with trust issues, mostly, not trusting myself. After all, there were myriad flags flying, and I chose to believe the obvious lies I was being told, and not to see the truth that had been slapping me in the face all summer trying to wake me up.

If you follow my blog, you know that relationship did not end there. You know that he tried to keep me in the periphery of his life, that he could not let me go, even though he’d chosen her. He continued to break my heart on a regular basis until really, about 6 weeks ago, when he asked to come see me after leaving me about a dozen voice mails and I finally talked to him and said, no. No, we aren’t going there again.

I reclaimed myself.

I have not talked to him since. I had some short communications with Betty Boop, but then blocked her so I won’t even see another email from her. She made up a lie, for her own benefit, telling him I’d done something I had not done. It wasn’t a big thing, but it just doesn’t sit well with me. She and he are welcome to play all the games they want, and feed each other the lies they need to hear, but leave me out of it. I’m not angry, I just can’t get drawn into that childish adolescent stuff again.

I realized last night that when I called him and left a voice mail just telling him that it was a lie, I’d unblocked him, and had not reblocked him. I reblocked him again last night. Again, not because I’m angry. Not because I have any bad feelings at all for him. But because I am moving on, I don’t want to be part of that little drama any longer. He loves the triangulation. He’ll have to find another 3rd leg to make her jealous with.

The point is….after I did it, I slept a solid 7 hours. I’ve done that a lot lately. Even with all the agita over the hot water heater, and trying to find a mover, and trying to train 2 people at work, I’ve been able to sleep. Because none of it is emotional. None of it makes me question who I am. I’m beginning to trust myself again.

Today I woke refreshed from a good night’s sleep. There is a very gentle rain falling outside, so I can’t sit out there, but I opened the slider to my deck to let the fresh air in, and listen to the peace of it. The stillness.

I am beginning to absorb, assimilate, that my dream of moving to Florida and retiring is manifesting. I guess there is always a ying yang with it, and the yang to that ying is that my son won’t be with me any longer. I know it’s time for him to fly on his own, I know he will love Colorado. I know it’s an adventure for him. I know I’ll still talk to him every day, and that our bond can never be broken.

But God, I will miss his chaotic energy in my life, his youthful exuberance, the plethora of friends and young people constantly running through my house.

I’ll get through it. I’m trying to just look forward to driving cross country with him. That will be a wonderful way to say goodbye to our old life.

I’ll keep the Ambien by my bed, for those few nights when it’s hard.

The rest of the time, I’ll just sleep. I’ll have my life back, completely. There will be no triggers down there to remind me of what I thought I had, and didn’t, nothing to remind me of all the pain I endured. I will just enjoy the fruits of my work to heal, and continue that process in my β€œAvalon”. My place of healing and new beginnings.

Love and light, all.

17 responses to “Sleep and Trust

  1. It is very bad to take sleeping pills for a lengthy time…especially for women. i took them for more than two years. When I left Florida, I left the pills behind. I still have nights when I can’t sleep but I just deal with it.
    When you get there, like you said…there will be no triggers. You might have a few restless nights…trying to get things unpacked and put where you want them…but that will be a welcome restless night.
    You and your Avalon. (Mine was called “The Blue House.”)

  2. Hmmmm. I never named this one either. Even though I love it, and it has felt more like home than anywhere since I left my parents house. It never occurred to me, until I heard the song Avalon of the Heart and knew that’s where I was going in FL. So maybe it’s our emotional states when we buy a house, or move somewhere new. Maybe it’s the joy of having your life back that inspires it. Because even though I’ve had my life back here, I am letting go of a lot of stuff when I leave here.

  3. Never knowing when you will or if you will wake up. I never thought of that. Of that being a reason not to sleep well. I think because I thought if I didn’t wake up that’s okay but you’re right, if you fear not waking that would almost be like a nightmare and finding it hard to sleep afterward. I never thought of this the way you have put it, thank you xxx

    • I wasn’t afraid I might not wake up, but of what I might wake up to. Just when you think things are ok, with an emotional abuser, is when you find out they are not. For no reason. Except that he wants your head wrapped around him. He loves to cause chaos. So the stress, living in the edge like that day after day, year after year, keeps you Hypervigilant all the time. And just doesn’t allow for good restful sleep. Always trying to be one step ahead to keep things calm.

      There was though s long period where my heart beat arhythmicslly justcad I lay down to sleep. And I’d pray, please don’t let me die tonight and leave that man as my sons only parent. So, no, that doesn’t help sleep either.

      Life is good now. Lessons were learned, son and I have survived and thrived. It’s all good. Thank you. πŸ’—

      • That you have survived it testimony to your strength and endurance but that does not mean it was not damaging and every day is a struggle but I so admire you and survival is most of all, the thing that makes us who we are, as you say, lessons learned, we thrive through the fire. HUGS so much

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