Peeling Back the Layers

Wistful

I just got home from a gong meditation.  I had no intention going into it.  But I was tired, I didn’t sleep well last night.  And work this week was beyond crazy.  I was so happy to end the week with the gongs.

This week was another week in letting go of old stuff.  There was the thing with Addie, there was the strong vibe I had about Scott’s health, and then for a few days I felt no connection to him at all.  Which was a relief, because I mostly worry about him when I feel connected.  Which is, I know, kind of crazy, considering he’s the one who caused all this heartache and pain.  I wish I didn’t see his soul so clearly.  But I do, I’m going to have to deal with it somehow.

Tonight at the gong bath,  my friends who put it on suggested because it is the Christmas season, that we (there were about 20 or 25 of us there) say the names, or at least put the names out into the universe, of anyone we know who needs healing of any kind.  I thought of my 94 year old mother, who had a massive stroke over a year ago, leaving her unable to speak, read, write and partially paralyzed.  Yet, she goes on.  She laughs on the phone.  But we all know she’s ready to go on.  Her memory is failing and though she knows who her daughters are, she can barely understand some basic things.  Like my sister makes her get out of her wheel chair so she won’t forget how to walk.

I also thought of my ex, of Scott, of Betty, of Addie.  And sent healing energy to all of them.

I was soon into a deep meditative state…lying there in the dark, snuggled under my blanket.  I wanted to let go of the past, if anything.  But I kept remembering one afternoon last summer when Scott and I feel asleep spooning, and he had reached around me and was holding my hand and wouldn’t let go.  It was in the summer, so he was seeing Betty then on the weekend unbeknownst to me, although that may have been a Sunday, I don’t remember.  I guess it must have been if it was the afternoon.  I don’t know why I couldn’t stop that image while I was so deep.  I guess it was so symbolic, now, of how he wouldn’t let go of me all that time.

I’m not gonna lie, it made me sad to remember that tender afternoon.

I began to say the Ho’oponopono, to myself.  To say I love you, to myself.  To try to become strong enough to let go of that memory, and the rest of it.

I think I regained the stillness I had last night and this morning.  I hope. It wasn’t a voice in my head, it was just a memory, embedded deep in my heart.  I wasn’t holding a conversation about it with myself, I was just remembering it, in living color.  Feeling it again.  There are a lot more where that came from, and I need to let them all go.

I really do feel for Betty.  I don’t know her at all…..but I am pretty sure he convinced her he would never cheat on her again, for her to take him back.  And she had to deal with him being with me too, the whole time he was with her.  That’s hard.

And Addie…trying to fill holes with every woman he meets.  Not letting himself feel what he feels.  He tells me I keep breaking his heart, and I know I have a couple times, because I could not love him the way he wanted me to.  Then instead of allowing himself to heal from that, if it’s true, he jumps into a relationship with the first woman he dates, and the first woman he meets on line.  I know him well….it’s not because I’m on some kind of ego trip about him, I just know how he is.  I know how we were, I know how he buries his pain.  I do believe that he loved me very much.

My ex…I don’t even know what to think about him.  Living in the teeny cottage next door to our old house.  Not working, all alone.  He probably needs healing the most, and is the least likely to ever crawl out of the depths he’s fallen into.

I recognize now, that it was all another layer of pain that I peeled off the onion tonight.  It was not painful, not in the way it has been in the past.  It was more wistful, just some sweet tender memories from before it all blew up.  Before the explosion of emotions that ended in such destruction.  I’m glad to have a few real moments to remember besides all the sadness in the months leading up to to that explosion.

I am grateful to have the gong meditations to work through this stuff.  Since I was going through my divorce, it has been my biggest healing tool.  To go there, and let whatever is ready to come up, come up, and for me to see it, feel it, honor it, and let it go.

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13 responses to “Peeling Back the Layers

    • It’s a sound healing or vibrational healing meditation. It is about an hour long, a group meditation. My friends who put it on have 8 gongs, and crystal bowls, bells, drums, all kinds of vibrational instruments. The lights go out, and we lay on the floor, (some people in zero-gravity chairs) and they play for about an hour. The idea is that the gongs vibrate at the same rate as the human body, so the vibrations don’t go around you, they go through you. Since everything is vibration and energy…it allows you in a very safe environment to access your inner self, as all meditation does, but it is much deeper. It gets loud….they crescendo the gongs, which we call a tsunami, a few times, and the sound fills the room. I can’t even describe it, you could scream during the tsunami and no one would hear you. I’ve been going twice a month for years. Just got rid of so much pain, so much angst, and have been able to access forgiveness, which has allowed me to move on, and be the person I want to be.

    • As for sending names out to the universe… Thoughts are energy too. Every thought causes a ripple effect somehow. So sending a wish for healing for some one is just extending the love that exists at our center. I have found that positive thought come back to us in a positive way. What you wish for others you attract to yourself. Thoughts really do become things. 😊 been proven to me so many times.

      • I’ve heard that. I have had people tell me that if you call somebody a bad name, it will come back to you. I could care less if somebody (like Losers’ WTC) called me a bad name…I’ll never hear it. I’m not sure I believe that. Look at how many people do and say bad things and they are on top of the world.

        • Well, their story isn’t fully written yet….My ex did everything in his power to leave me penniless, and ruin my relationship with my son. And as it ends up, he is penniless, has lost everything, and has no relationship with our son.

          I only dreamed of owning my own home, and having my son with me. And when it was all over….I own my own home, my son has been with me for 7 years.

          So, I got what I dreamed of, he got what he dreamed of.

          I can’t tell you how many times, I sent loving energy to S, when we weren’t talking, and he’d end up calling me, we’d end up together again. We always have had an energetic connection which was a blessing when we were together, and a curse now that we are not.

          • You had a different kind or relationship and obviously a different kind of man. I was married to a narcissist. His WTC is the same kind of person. They’re a perfect pair. I think about what my mama said about me and how she treated me….she never paid. I think about how Loser treated me…lied, repeatedly cheated, gave me an incurable disease, and now is walking off into the sunset, hand in hand with his WTC. They don’t have forty-one years ahead of them to get reprisal. Oh, well.

            • There is the school of thought that we agree to learn lessons when we come to this life, and if we don’t, we will repeat the lessons, until they are learned. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through….My ex didn’t cheat on me, but abused my son and I terribly. Scott only abused me by cheating on me, or, more specifically, being with his old gf when he was with me and not telling me. Destructive behavior anyway.

              Anyway, I always try to see what the lesson was that I was supposed to learn. From my marriage, it was the power of unconditional love, because that’s what saved my son. And from Scott, it was to turn that love in on myself. We have to love ourselves first. To me, that means connecting with your inner self, and seeing all our imperfections, and accepting them. We can only change ourselves. The men in my life have to do their own work. I just focus on my own work. One thing I have learned is hurt people hurt people. I don’t want to expand that hurt.

              • I understand but again…hurt people hurt people but only if they’re capable of feeling anything besides the love of self. I have always believed that everything happens for a reason. I was so hoping that when I left Loser, it would bring him and our son closer together. Not a chance. Loser called him a “worthless piece of shit” tripped on down the road with is WTC.

              • I know the pain is fresh still. He is the one who will in the end….be sorry he has no relationship with his son. He doesn’t have one with anyone, and I would bet that this one with this new person will at some point blow up in his face, because he’s a narc, and so is Scott, and eventually, everyone gets sick of having to cater so someone else all the time. Especially if she’s a narc too. One day you will just let go of all the crap he did, because you’ll realize it only give him continued control over your emotions, and then you’ll start to find the things that bring you joy, and focus on them. In the 4 years I waited for my divorce to be final, and get my first penny of the money that was our joint estate (it was all in his name) from a 32 year marrige, I learned, that for me to move on, I had to let go. One night at the gong bath, I envisioned us both flying around and me saying, “Goodbye, have a good life. Maybe I’ll see you, maybe I won’t….” It was over for me, I was able to move on. I hope that happens to you too one day, it is so freeing.

              • I hope so too. I understand about letting him still have control. He was adamant that he know where I was and how I was…because “he cared.” I told him it was purely about losing control if he didn’t know anything. We have four children together and although they more or less “picked” him, I miss them. On the other hand, it would be a direct “line” to Loser to be able to do just that….continue to have just a smidgen of control over me.

              • How long have you been separated? My son chose my ex, and 18 months later he came home from school to my house, and never looked back. Things can change in an instant. As long as the know your arms are open to them, you never know. .

              • I am divorced now, since July but I left him ten years ago. It just took him that long to realize that I wasn’t going to take him back so he went to a bar and picked up the first person who would give him…..um….the time of day?

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