I just got home from a gong meditation. I had no intention going into it. But I was tired, I didn’t sleep well last night. And work this week was beyond crazy. I was so happy to end the week with the gongs.
This week was another week in letting go of old stuff. There was the thing with Addie, there was the strong vibe I had about Scott’s health, and then for a few days I felt no connection to him at all. Which was a relief, because I mostly worry about him when I feel connected. Which is, I know, kind of crazy, considering he’s the one who caused all this heartache and pain. I wish I didn’t see his soul so clearly. But I do, I’m going to have to deal with it somehow.
Tonight at the gong bath, my friends who put it on suggested because it is the Christmas season, that we (there were about 20 or 25 of us there) say the names, or at least put the names out into the universe, of anyone we know who needs healing of any kind. I thought of my 94 year old mother, who had a massive stroke over a year ago, leaving her unable to speak, read, write and partially paralyzed. Yet, she goes on. She laughs on the phone. But we all know she’s ready to go on. Her memory is failing and though she knows who her daughters are, she can barely understand some basic things. Like my sister makes her get out of her wheel chair so she won’t forget how to walk.
I also thought of my ex, of Scott, of Betty, of Addie. And sent healing energy to all of them.
I was soon into a deep meditative state…lying there in the dark, snuggled under my blanket. I wanted to let go of the past, if anything. But I kept remembering one afternoon last summer when Scott and I feel asleep spooning, and he had reached around me and was holding my hand and wouldn’t let go. It was in the summer, so he was seeing Betty then on the weekend unbeknownst to me, although that may have been a Sunday, I don’t remember. I guess it must have been if it was the afternoon. I don’t know why I couldn’t stop that image while I was so deep. I guess it was so symbolic, now, of how he wouldn’t let go of me all that time.
I’m not gonna lie, it made me sad to remember that tender afternoon.
I began to say the Ho’oponopono, to myself. To say I love you, to myself. To try to become strong enough to let go of that memory, and the rest of it.
I think I regained the stillness I had last night and this morning. I hope. It wasn’t a voice in my head, it was just a memory, embedded deep in my heart. I wasn’t holding a conversation about it with myself, I was just remembering it, in living color. Feeling it again. There are a lot more where that came from, and I need to let them all go.
I really do feel for Betty. I don’t know her at all…..but I am pretty sure he convinced her he would never cheat on her again, for her to take him back. And she had to deal with him being with me too, the whole time he was with her. That’s hard.
And Addie…trying to fill holes with every woman he meets. Not letting himself feel what he feels. He tells me I keep breaking his heart, and I know I have a couple times, because I could not love him the way he wanted me to. Then instead of allowing himself to heal from that, if it’s true, he jumps into a relationship with the first woman he dates, and the first woman he meets on line. I know him well….it’s not because I’m on some kind of ego trip about him, I just know how he is. I know how we were, I know how he buries his pain. I do believe that he loved me very much.
My ex…I don’t even know what to think about him. Living in the teeny cottage next door to our old house. Not working, all alone. He probably needs healing the most, and is the least likely to ever crawl out of the depths he’s fallen into.
I recognize now, that it was all another layer of pain that I peeled off the onion tonight. It was not painful, not in the way it has been in the past. It was more wistful, just some sweet tender memories from before it all blew up. Before the explosion of emotions that ended in such destruction. I’m glad to have a few real moments to remember besides all the sadness in the months leading up to to that explosion.
I am grateful to have the gong meditations to work through this stuff. Since I was going through my divorce, it has been my biggest healing tool. To go there, and let whatever is ready to come up, come up, and for me to see it, feel it, honor it, and let it go.