Not Foolish, nor Destined to Repeat the Past :-)

The sun was almost up when I awoke this morning. Daybreak had broken, the eastern sky was alight. I slept the sleep of the dead last night. I didn’t go anywhere, both of my friends who were going to go to the artwalk with me were sick. One with a cold, the other with a migraine. As it turned out I fell asleep on my couch from 5 to 6, and then stayed up late because I wasn’t tired.

I was in quite a mood last night, and yesterday, with those poems I wrote, Foolishness and Destined. Today my waking mind was in a far more indifferent place. It is always therapeutic lean in to that discomfort when it shows up, to write those feelings out, and send them out to the universe.

This morning I’m out on my deck, sipping my coffee under the canopy of the banyan tree in my nightgown, feeling quite content. I am still seeking a love that can last, but have no regrets over the past, nor really any attachment to it. Just moving forward, and expect what will come will come when it’s supposed to, if it’s supposed to. In the meantime I have friends and family here that I love and who love me, and a wonderful life. There is no reason to feel bitterness or angst.

And who knows? I had a short text with C last night. He’s always up, it seems. In a good place. It’s a refreshing change for me. I hope I hear from him again soon.

I always say that the people I loved I will always love. But really, some of those people are out of my life for a reason, and the reason is that they were in it to teach me, part of the lesson my soul needed to learn. They’ve taught me and we’ve both moved on to our own next lessons. Today, I am grateful for the lessons, and for the fact that I have such a wonderful starting point for my next adventure. Love always? Yes, I suppose so. But maybe not desire, not hope that things will be different. Oprah defined forgiveness as giving up hope that the past will ever change. I think that’s where I am. Glean from it what we can, and go on.

Like my horoscope said, I am an Aries and I like to move forward. I can backslide like anyone else, but not for long. I don’t like that place. I hate covering the same real estate twice. A relationship that takes me over and over the same ground without ever moving forward is not compatible with me.

Feeling so much more myself today. I’m going to go down to the water, take a long walk. Go to the grocery store and get the stuff I need for Christmas food. I’m making baked stuffed shrimp for Christmas Eve at my sisters. And for Christmas night, my traditional raspberry angel food cake with Raspberry Amaretto Sauce. And whatever my sister and I decide we want for Christmas Day. We’re invited to a friends in her neigborhood for Christmas night, which will be fun. It will remind me how I always went to my bff’s in CT on Christmas night. I was often the only non-blood family there, but that huge family always treated me like one of their own.

I have been really blessed, haven’t I?

Love and light, all.

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(Very) Early Morning Musings

I woke at 4:15 this morning. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised because I was asleep at 9:30. I lay in bed for about 45 minutes, just thinking about things. Moving, the foundation cracks, lol, the men I’ve loved.

The moving, the house selling, it will all be over soon. So, I just have to make my way through each day, and do what needs to be done. Taking it one thing at a time, I’m sure I’ll get it all done, easily.

The men, idk. I was thinking about my ex. His name is the same as my son’s so I don’t use it on here, because I don’t want to confuse anyone. But it’s Bruce. I was thinking about the fondness I still feel for S, and how I have none for my ex, who I was with for 40 years. I guess the difference is my ex, B, eroded that love every day for years with his control and abuse of me, and my son. I don’t wish him any ill, I don’t have to, lol. He’s done a damn fine job of fucking up his life with no help from me. I wish him love and light, all good things, but I know with his last breath he will blame me for his problems.

I thought about how, when he was in control, he used to occasionally have these 2 or 3 day brain-washing sessions with me, before my son was born. He would brow beat me, and yell at me, and threaten me for days. I couldn’t leave the house. I was his captive scapegoat for all the ills in his life. And back then we had very few ills. We had enough money, a decent home, a yacht, but still he had to make me feel less than human anytime I began to feel happy and secure. And then he’d say, “I love you, I would think you’d listen to me, knowing it was for your own good.” Geezus. It was for his. To have himself a servant who would do everything, who was dancing around trying to win his favor.

One particular time, during one of those brain-washing sessions, he decided that I did not deserve my 1 1/3 carat heart shaped diamond. He ordered me to give it to him. I refused. He got up from the couch as I sobbed, went in the kitchen and got a pair of pliers out of a drawer where he kept a few tools. He came back, and grabbed my hand and broke the setting, so that the diamond fell out. I am sure, 100% positive, that if I’d fought him he would have broken my hand. He was 6’2”, about 240 lbs, and had arms like most people’s thighs. Very strong, he was a nationally ranked swimmer at one time.

He put the diamond and the broken setting in an envelope and put it in a kind of jewelry box in our bedroom. Folded up tight, so it was about a 1” square. I always knew where it was. I believed that some day he’d realize what a good wife I was, and how I was trying so hard to do everything he asked (while he did nothing at all for me, but I guess I believed I didn’t deserve it) and he’d get it reset one day.

He never did.

When I moved out of the house in 2007, I opened the envelope and took the diamond. I left him the broken setting.

But that just illustrates how dysfunctional he was, and I was, and we were. That we managed to have my son after that is amazing. But thank God, my son is a blessing to me borne of that pain.

S…..well, he betrayed me when I loved him the most. My love for him didn’t die over time. It never had a chance to die a natural death. I grieved and grieved, and still do some days. It’s easier when I never hear from him, I’m much more able to see the dysfunction that surrounds him, and was part of our relationship so much more clearly. I know it would never have lasted, even if there were no B, because I wanted more that he’s capable of giving. It’s been almost 2 months now since I’ve heard from him, and I am fine with it. I have some fond memories, tempered by the reality of his nature. I can love him, who he was to me, I can be grateful for that time in my life. I am so happy to know that after my long miserable marriage, (and long miserable divorce) I can still love someone so passionately, so intensely.

I don’t think he and I can be friends, though. I’d like to be, but I don’t think B will allow it. Even if I’m in FL, 1500 miles away, she would be jealous. He says she’s not, I say, you don’t see it. She’s a master of the passive aggressive stuff. Never wants to talk to him again, until I do. Then she does. Never wants to be with him again, until I am, then she still loves him. Whatever.

I know that I can’t go there again. I can say never say never, but I gotta be real. He is never going to want to make the changes that I’d like to see in him. I think he is much more comfortable with the game playing, the push pull thing, and with misery and unhappiness than happiness, because he sabotages his own life constantly in an effort to prove to himself he’s not worthy. I will always tell him he is. I would, am, always here for him if he wants to talk. But I know he can’t trust himself, so he doesn’t trust me.

I will say, one reason I loved him so, was because he let me be me. All the time. Even though I talked too much, lol. He knew how to quiet me down. Take me to the beach, or somewhere, tell me a story, put on some music that was new to me and tell me about it, or take me to bed. But the freedom I felt with him, after being with a man who tried to control what I said, wore, how I wore my hair, how I walked, yada yada yada, was blissful for me. For that I will always love him. Now that I know what that’s like, I intend to find it again, in a man who is capable of loving, who seeks the light, and is happy and likes himself.

All good lessons with these men. Painful, but good. I know myself, I’ve found myself through the pain that I experienced with them both. I can say to my ex, I love you and I wish all good things for him, he is making himself pay for sins he thinks he must have committed, I am sure. I can say to S, love always and all ways, because that too is true. Because I do. I will. All the betrayal, really, that S orchestrated, was him, sabotaging himself, setting himself up to fail. He hurt me, yes, but for me it’s temporary. I can find my way out. I don’t look into the abyss. I walk away from it, even if I’m on my hands and knees crawling.

At peace this lovely morning. Nice to put things into perspective.

Love and light, everyone.

Just Some Memories

107

The post below is not what this weekend is about memorializing, so first things first. My father was a Lt. Col in the air force reserves.  He was active during WWII. This weekend is about remembering those who sacrificed their lives so that we could all continue to enjoy the freedom we are so blessed to have. I know this, and don’t in any way mean to ignore them. Laurel’s post “Tony” (https://myjourneyintodarkness.wordpress.com/) reminded me what it’s about. In fact, she reminded me that I had a long ago friend whose name is engraved on the Viet Nam Memorial in Washington DC. I once found his name there. I didn’t etch it. It was hard enough just to see it. His name was Tony too.

I need readers to know that first, I remember all the fallen heroes. Always.

Memorial Day weekend, though, kind of a bracket for me. It’s when I first understood that my relationship with S had changed, though I didn’t understand why. A 3-day weekend, of which he offered me a “nice afternoon.” And I said, no. I wanted a nice weekend, not an afternoon. He was beginning the process of ripping my heart out and cutting it into pieces. Hard to believe how much I loved him. And how callous and uncaring he was of that gift. It’s been a year of pain, and heartache, and growth.

I also said goodbye to Addie the same weekend. He left on his great adventure with his son, traveling all the way to the other coast, through the northern states, up into Canada, and finally settling in New Mexico. I went to see him before he left, I saw him actually a few times. S had no interest in me then, he was busy with B, though I didn’t know it. Oh S was stringing me along, texting me, talking to me. I was, after all, a good source of supply since I loved him so much.  But his interest was focused elsewhere.

Addie was tender and loving and sweet. I wished so much that I could love him. But I can’t do what S did. I’m a one-man woman. Always have been, always will be. And back then….S was the one I loved. We were sitting on Addie’s deck, he turned me to look at him. He said, “I have to tell you this now, because I won’t have another chance. I love you SO much. You have changed my life forever.”

I heard the words from Addie that I wanted to hear from S. Addie asked if we could just lie down together. He just wanted to hold me, once more, he said. I said yes. I needed that closeness. That safety of lying in someone’s arms that wouldn’t hurt me. I was wounded, Addie was a soothing salve on that wound. He reminded me that I had value, that I was lovable, when I most needed to hear it. I let him love me, and I reciprocated as best I could, and be true to myself.

He was there for me every dark day after too. When I finally found out about Betty, Addie spent the day on the phone with me, talking me down. Actually he did this more than once, because the full story of what S had done came to me in pieces. He was my rock. The rock S could never be for anyone, because he’s incapable of loving anyone. Not me, not Betty. Mostly, not himself.

I have not talked to Addie for a long while. He has moved on, found a new love. But last time I talked to him, a couple months ago, he told me he still loves me, will always love me. It’s not in the same way he loves his new woman, but he loves me. I know if I needed to lean on him, I could. But I won’t impose…I have broken his heart enough over S. I will just love Addie.

It made me laugh after, that S complained that I had been cuddling with Addie. While he was bedding down Betty, unknown to me. Seeing her, and lying to me about why he wouldn’t spend the weekend with me. God, he was such a convincing liar.

Yet, still at times, I miss that mischievous grin, and his tall tales, the way he could make me laugh. I just know the price for these things is too high, that it requires a piece of my soul. There is nothing lasting about what comes from him. So…I just learn how to turn it off. To walk away from it.  Even though I am much better at it than I used to be, it’s still a work in progress.

Moving to Florida, which has been my plan since before I met him, has turned out to be exactly what I need to do. To get far far away from the memories, the proximity. I know that some of it will remain, but it will be easier to heal from when I have focus of a new life. I’m so grateful that the Universe put this plan in my head and has moved me along with it. I’m so glad that S was unable to change it. Not that he tried. Fact is, he always knew it was my plan. He always knew that I was independent, and relied on myself. There was nothing extraneous in how I loved him. I just loved him. I didn’t need him to live my life, I just wanted him in it. I think a lot of the problem was that he couldn’t believe that, or accept it. That someone could just purely love him with no other need or intent.

I don’t know if he’ll ever understand that. Which is sad.

I guess this is why I wrote the “Benediction for S”. It’s a year later. I’ve grown, I’ve moved along the path I intended. My life is falling into place. I still “know” that in Florida there will be someone for me, who can believe and accept and want….a woman like me, who is capable of loving fully, who is genuinely happy, who wants only the pure, raw, emotion of love.

Someone who will make me forget about loving him, completely.

Today, I’ll move along a little farther on that path. I have to get more paint for my deck. Not a lot. Maybe a quart or two. The deck will be finished today if it stops raining. I’m hopeful that a painted deck will help get an offer on the house.

I’m going to Virginia next weekend, for 5 days. The whole family will be there, both sisters and their families. We’re going to bury my mother’s remains with my father. We will put a little of her ashes in the lake my niece and sis have homes on, because Mom loved it there so much. We will memorialize her, and we will mostly take the love she lavished on all of us, and lavish it on each other.

Feeling blessed this Memorial Day weekend. Blessed by the sacrifices people have made so that I can live a safe, secure life. Blessed that there is love in my life….which never leaves me. It wraps around me like a blanket on a cold winter’s night. I know there are people who have never known that.

Love and light, all….

Note:  Picture above is one I took.  I think it’s Barn Island, somewhere S took me. Memories…..

Saturday

PHEW. I made it through the day….

No, S did not show up here unannounced, just thought I’d clarify that at the beginning, lol. In fact, tonight I have my doubts that he even reads this blog any longer. The gongs, the gongs always set me straight. I don’t know anything for a fact, and I, at least for tonight, don’t give a shit.

After I stopped writing like an obsessed madwoman this morning, I did a couple things around the house, and then headed out to paint the deck. It was about 11. It was about 90°. I painted for an hour. Beads of sweat pouring into my eyes. The deck is on the backside of my house, southern exposure, no protection from the sun. I got a huge glass of water, and sat at the table on the deck, with the umbrella opened up, and drank it. I could feel my heart just pounding.

I went inside, where I had the air conditioning on, reluctantly, because it’s so expensive to run, but it was a lovely 75° in there. I sat down, I could still feel my heart pounding, so I checked my heartrate on that app that’s on the phone. It was 91. Seemed a little high, but I’d been working and only stopped for about 10 minutes. I checked it a couple more times, it was still high. It was slightly worrisome to me, because when I went to the dr yesterday my blood pressure was pretty high for me. Normally, my bp is low.

Anyway, I decided that it would be too hot to paint until the sun went to the other side of the house, around 3. So I showered, and then checked my heartrate again, and it was still 91. Then I decided to do a nice long meditation. Still 91. I went to the store.

At the store I ran into my old next door neighbor and talked for about a half hour in front of the paper towels. I don’t know how the women in this town would keep up with each other if we didn’t have the grocery store! LOL.

Anyway, when I got home I felt relaxed. Checked it again, it was down to 78. Finally. It’s normally 72 when I’m at rest.

So by then it was 3:30, time to start painting again. Which I did, .in the shade now. I got the railings all painted by 6 pm. That was enough for today!.

When I came in I was starving, so made myself nice dinner. A kale salad from my mini-garden on the deck, with strawberries and goat cheese. A bratwurst and a piece of quiche. It was really the only meal I had all day. It really tasted good. I had washed my hands for about 20 minutes to get all the paint off, but as I was eating I realized how much paint I had on my arms and legs, lol. Back to the shower after dinner.

Then I went to my spare bedroom, to get a summer nightgown because I haven’t switched my clothes around. Last week I was still in fleece jammies, and this week summer nightgowns. I had closed the door to the spare bedroom, to keep from having to air condition it. So I go to open the door and it was locked!!!! Yikes!!! I had no idea how to unlock it. Who the hell would have locked it? One of the people looking at the house? Maybe my friend locked it last weekend when she stayed in that room.

Anyway there was a little tiny hole in the doorknob. I went and got a nail, thank God I had one, and stuck it in the hole, and eventually managed to get it unlocked.

Enough for today, lol. I sat down here and started writing, and watching my favorite show Outlander. Such a great show.

My friend texted me from Florida, she’s going to go check on my house tomorrow. And take care of the ants.

Blessed, just blessed. Overall, life is unfolding as it should. Ants, locked bedroom doors and all.

Love and light, all

Friday Morning Musings

the tree

I did my morning meditation on grounding myself today, because I woke up scattered. I was so exhausted when I went to bed last night. Work has been so exhausting this week, spending the days training someone to do my job. She is so overwhelmed, I worry that she will ease into the job. And then to add to the stress, someone didn’t show up for work yesterday, and they pulled me off of my job and training to do this other person’s urgent work. I was a little angry about it, that they rely so heavily on me, and haven’t trained others in the office to do the work. I got through it, but I was definitely stressed. Then I came home and had to get the house ready for a showing today. I finally sat down about 9. And didn’t sleep well, and forgot to plug my phone in to charge. The stress showed in my glucose readings this morning. First morning since I stopped the one med that my readings were high.

Hence, the grounding meditation this morning.

When I opened my eyes from the meditation, it was such a beautiful morning. Bird singing, warm enough to be sitting outside at 6 am with a summer nightgown on. I so love this time of year. I felt more rested after the meditation. When I started I could feel my face muscles so tight, my brow furled. It seems to have unwound.

Last night I thought I felt S’s energy for the first time in 2 weeks. Not sure if it was, or if it was just that it’s been 2 ½ weeks since I’ve heard from him, so I’m kind of used to that cycle, and thinking of him. I’m so grateful that he’s been silent though. It has allowed me to unwind, to let go, to stop the hurt that any contact from him stirs up. I wish I could say that it doesn’t still hurt, but it does, I think it may always hurt to have been betrayed so vilely. To have my intimacy with him shared with another, as if it were a public document. To have him tell her lies and then have to listen to her repeat them to me, as if I should believe them, as if I were not part of the equation of my relationship with him, and she was. While he sits back orchestrating the ginormous deceit of her with the lies, and attacking me as if I did something to him besides love him with every fiber of my being.

So I hope he stays silent, and stays away. I will always love him, but I can’t have him anywhere near me, he only brings pain to my life. Maybe some day I’ll think of only the good times, but I think that will be a long ways down the road. If he still reads this blog and reads this, I hope he will respect what I’m saying.

So, I’m working my way back to myself this morning. The good thing is that I have gongs tonight, and they always bring me back. I am always able to get some clarity when the room fills with the sound and vibration of the 8 gongs, and the crystal bowls, and the drums, and the bells. It is such lovely way to end a difficult week. Blessed, totally, to have them in my life.

Off to get ready for one more day on the job, and then a 3 day weekend to welcome in summer, with get together at my bff’s, and painting my deck. Maybe go shopping on Monday. Next weekend I’m off to Virginia, to see my family. Which is such a wonderful way to begin the summer.

Love and light.

Moving to Avalon

Oh man, I’m living risky tonight. My stomach has been better for a couple of days now. Except for the first thing in the am, I feel fine all day. Though, I’ve been careful what I eat,and I’m still taking the prescription med. But tonight I felt like a drink. So, I lived dangerously. I bought a bottle of Kraken dark spiced rum, it was on sale. My son yelled at me, it’s 100 proof…..I poured one drink which I didn’t finish. So far my stomach has not rebelled but we’ll see tomorrow.

I haven’t had a drink in about 6 weeks. Just feeling it tonight. It was a beautiful day. My son was home from work the same time as I was and it was warm enough to sit out on the deck. I opened the umbrella on the table and declared, for the first time this year, “the deck is open.” I spend a lot of time out there when the weather is warm. It wasn’t hot today, but warm enough to sit outside without a coat, and just talk to my son for awhile. God, I love that kid. Just love sitting and having just a relaxed convo with him.

But alas, it got chilly as the full moon rose, and we came inside to eat dinner. Put hockey on tv, and he got me all up-to-date on the Stanley Cup playoffs. Tampa Bay is in the eastern conference finals, so I said, I guess I should start cheering for them, shouldn’t I? Their arena is maybe a haI lf hour, 40 min, from my Fl house.

My friend the blues singer/artist said the Mangia Cafe was packed last night. She and her friend both sang and killed it. I told her I have a new Beth Hart song I want to hear her sing when I get there. “Hold Me Through The Night.” Maybe I’ll put a link up at the end of the blog. I’ll see how I feel.

Since I started writing Haiku I’ve been getting a ton of views and likes! Had my 2 best days for likes on WP two days ago and today again. I love that so many people are liking and relating to what I have to say. Very satisfying. Today someone was reading a TON of old blogs. Stuff from a year ago, when suddenly S was pushing me away, because unknown to me, Betty wanted back in his life. God I was in so much pain, and he knew it, he read every word I wrote, and he just let me suffer. Such a narcissist. Just unbelievable that he got off on my pain, and did nothing to put an end to it. I started to read them, the old blogs, but they triggered me too. I don’t want to remember how that felt. I am almost inclined to delete them, but that’s stupid too. They happened, it’s a snapshot in time. I was decent, honorable, loving…I have nothing to be ashamed of. So many times I tried to break up. So many. And he always pulled me back, every single time, until I was about to show up on his doorstep in tandem with her.

I always wonder who is reading all that old stuff. I imagine it’s S or B, but I don’t think S would want to re-read the pain he caused me. Would go against his grain to read and absorb the pain he put me through. And B…I think she knows all she needs to know. Why she would read more I don’t know. Only if S was trying to hit her up again and she wanted to remember what he actually did to her. Which is highly possible. He hates to be alone and he had no success getting me to engage with him on his terms. He bounced from her, when she told him no, to me to try to get me in his sights again, and then when he couldn’t, is probably bouncing back to her, trying to get her to believe he’s changed.

Not a chance in hell he has changed. He’s just lonely and horny.

I will be so glad to be so far away from his bouncing, push pull game. It’s nauseating, really.

I recently downloaded the song Avalon by Van Morrison on to my phone. I love that song. I had to look up Avalon to find out it was a mythical place where King Arthur went to heal his wounds. An island. Maybe the holy grail is there. Anyway, I read it and every time I listen to the song, I think, I’m going to name my Florida house Avalon. Put a little sign outside the door. A place of new beginnings, since the house address is an 11 and that’s kind of the story of Avalon, new beginnings, and a place of healing. That’s what it represents to me. So, I think it might be a good name. Instead of Beth Hart’s song, maybe I’ll put up Van Morrison’s Avalon tonight. You can tell me if it’s a good idea or not, to name my little bungalow a mile from the beach Avalon.

Wish me luck with my house showing tomorrow. I need to be moving soon.

Love and light….. (lyrics under the link)

Avalon of the heart
On down by Avalon
Gonna make a brand new start

Oh the Holy Grail
Baby behind the sun
Oh the Holy Grail
Down by Avalon

Well I came upon
The enchanted vale
Down by the viaducts of my dreams
Down by Camelot, hangs the tale
In the ancient vale

Oh the Avalon sunset
Avalon of the heart
Me and my lady
Goin’ down by Avalon

Well I came upon
The enchanted vale
Down by the viaducts of my dreams
Near Camelot, hangs the tale
Of the enchanted vale

In the upper room
There the cup does stand
In the upper room
Down by Avalon

Goin’ down by Avalon
Oh my Avalon of the heart
Goin’ down by Avalon
Gonna make a brand new start

Oh down by Avalon
Oh baby behind the sun
Goin’ down by Avalon
Well the journey’s just begun

Oh down by Avalon
Sweet Avalon of the heart
Goin’ down by Avalon
Gonna make a brand new start

The Weekend in Retrospect

It was an interesting day today. First of all, I was falling asleep on the couch all afternoon. I’ve been sleeping well too. But I think that emotionally, I got very relaxed having my old friend here for a few days. Just to hang out with someone who has known me my whole life. No pretense, no trying to one-up each other, no getting to know each other. Just catching up, reminiscing, just being myself, as I always was. It was just calming. Like being with family. She and I saw the Beatles together, we played in orchestra together, we sang together. And now, we share a lot of the same spiritual beliefs, though she is a lay minister and thus more religious than me, her religious beliefs tend to point her in the same direction that my beliefs lie.

It was just what I needed. The week had been a pretty emotional one for me, and I hadn’t felt well. I still have this stomach issue, but hopefully will find something out in the next day or two from the labs I had done.

I’ll be going to my sisters in about 3 weeks, to her VA home. We are having a memorial for my mother, and burying her remains next to my father. All the kids will be coming, and I’m so excited to see them all together, excited for my son to reconnect with his cousins. It’s my mother’s birthday while we are there, so it will be good to be all together. I miss her so much. But more than that I am so grateful for her continued presence in my life, manifesting in the ability to love unconditionally. And forgive. So grateful that I am able to do that.

I went on the dating site again this afternoon for laughs, really. Just for some male energy in my life. And I was bored and way too tired to be productive. I got hit up by 2 scammers, lol, and another guy who wasn’t a scammer but had some really out there ideas of what made sex meaningful. LOL. I didn’t talk to him too long, but it was fun. Funny. I take none of it seriously. Oh and one more from Manhattan, that wanted to make plans to meet, lol. Yeah, sure, I think I’ll just do that. Manhattan is about 115 miles from here. We’ll meet at Starbucks, lol. Coffee at 50 miles….

It cracks me up. These scammers obviously have someone write a profile that is in normal English, then when you chat with them, they can’t spell, or use proper syntax. Such a dead giveaway. One scammer, when I asked him what he did for a living, he said he was a “general commander of the armed forces in Afghanistan.” who was retiring in a few weeks, so wanted to find a woman to spend the rest of his life with. LMAO!!!! I said, “Ok, commander, you’ll have to find another victim.”

But it was fun to talk to a man. I assume they are men, lol. Maybe not. This site has been sending bi-women to me every once in a while. I have my parameters solidly set for men. I guess they are maybe running out of eligible men. The guy with the outlandish sexual ideas thought that group sex might be fun. But wasn’t interested in “meaningless” sex. LOL. I told him that group sex seemed to me to be meaningless, lol. He said, well, people enjoy it. I explained that enjoying it and finding meaning in it was not the same thing. That the guy I was seeing for 18 months surely enjoyed doing both his gf and I, but when we found out it became meaningless to us both. Sadly. Very sadly, for me. (Probably for B also, but I can’t speak for her, it’s not my story to tell.) It is what it is.

Anyway…I said, C Ya in short order. I am pretty sure the internet does not have my next passionate love in the wings. I’m just window shopping, lol.

Life is good. I miss S at times, but work through it. I know what’s best for me, and that’s to be 1500 miles away, in my little Florida bungalow, biking to the beach.

My son is taking over my family room, so he and his friends can watch Game of Thrones on the big TV in HD.  LOL.  I will have to go to bed, because despite his attempts to explain it to me, I cannot comprehend what is going on with it.  I must just be too old.

Love and light, all.