Late Sunday Afternoon

This morning, I got dressed, changed the sheets on my bed, vacuumed, and intended to go for a walk. On the spur of the moment, I called a woman, an acquaintance, I’d met a few times and asked her if she’d like to go with me. We are both single, I know she dates once in a while. We are both new here, she moved from Maine, me from CT. We are similar in that we both have made the move by ourselves, on our own. She answered sure, she’d love to. Why didn’t I come to her house, and park there and we could walk past the marinas to Clam Bayou, which is a nature preserve not far from the center of town.

So, I did! We walked about 2 ½ miles to and through the Bayou. It’s a beautiful day, temps around 77°. There’s a stiff wind blowing out of the East, and we were grateful for it, because it really was keeping the temperature down. It was nice to get to know her better. Nice to expand my friend base. After we got done walking we walked a few more short blocks to the center of town, and got breakfast, well, brunch, at an outdoor cafe, and listened to my friend Gary play the keyboard. He came over to our table to say hi. Told us that a man sitting on a bench listening to him identified himself as a piano teacher. Gary is self-taught, and doesn’t even read music. The guy was quizzing him, lol. Gary was a little um, taken aback. He just plays for tips, they don’t even pay him. So he certainly doesn’t expect to get tested!

It is so nice to sit outside, eat, and listen to music. I had a mango mimosa too! Mmmmm.

I came home, determined to start work on my taxes. Which I did. I got most everything together that the accountant needs. I have a mess of documents I brought down here now, that need to be sorted through, filed, and put away in some semblance of order. That’s a job for tomorrow. LOL.

In the middle of it, my son called. First he told me his father has called him like 5 times in a row. I said, “He hasn’t called me, did you listen to his voice mail?” (I knew if it was really important his father would have called me.) Son replied, “I just got my new iPhone 7 yesterday and I haven’t set up voice mail yet.” I said, “That’s probably why he called so many times….he wanted to leave a voice mail.” Son said he’d set it up this afternoon. Then he said he wants to make himself a good dinner tonight, because he has time to. And that suddenly hit me, I don’t know why, how much I missed him. I used to always try to make a decent meal on Sunday night, because we were both usually home. Something that would give us leftovers for the upcoming week. I really miss those routines we had, all those years together. Unspoken. We didn’t even think about them….but we had them. Now our routine is phone calls.

I know I’m really blessed that he stays in such close touch with me. It’s just, he’s alone, I’m alone, on a Sunday afternoon, a Sunday night….I miss him. He’s making his own good dinner tonight, and I’m glad he is, but I wish I was making it for him. There are some things about my old life that I just really miss.

However…..then reality hits me…. Going through my tax docs, from the sale of my old house, the purchase of my new house, I paid $5723 in property taxes on my old house last year. Is that ridiculous or what? My tax bill down here was about $1400, and next year with my Homestead exemption probably about half of that. So…here I am, dealing with my son having a new life, me having a new life, because there’s no way to pay those kind of taxes, even if I’d had no mortgage, which I had, and retire. And I didn’t even pay them for a full year! That was just through September! Crazy….. Even if I’d not minded winter….I couldn’t have done it.

I did make some baked egg custard this afternoon. I have some good fruit, including another fresh papaya from the community garden, and fresh strawberries to have with it. And some whipped cream, lol. It will be a good dessert.

I haven’t heard from L today, but he told me he was going to be with his kids, creating loan docs and corporate by-laws, so I know he’s really busy today. And the day’s not over yet, lol.  Like I said, I don’t need to hear from him every day, just regularly. Sometimes I contact him first, if it’s been a couple days, just to stay in touch. Trying in a low key way to just let him know I’m still keeping dinner warm, lol.

So, all seems to be well, this Sunday afternoon. I had a nice productive day. Even though I miss my son, I’m happy. Love and light, all.

The Door is Open

I have lived on the lip of insanity,

Wanting to know reasons, knocking on a door.

It opens.

I’ve been knocking from the inside.

                                                                                                               –  Rumi

The last day I was in VA, my little sister, my niece (her daughter) and I went to a shop where my older sister sells her paintings, and is full of beautiful handcrafted goods, pottery, paintings, jewelry, woven cloth, candles, soaps, bird feeders, stained glass.  Professional grade, really, just gorgeous.

I bought a coffee mug with the Rumi quote above inscribed on it.  It resonated with me.  I think, that I need to look at the break-up as the door finally opening. Instead of closing. My world in fact, expanded, it did not shrink as I thought.  Looking for reasons why things are the way they are, I can look through the door, I can walk through the door, into the light now.  I can leave the torturous questions about why….in the past.  I can love without regret, but I can keep my heart safe.  At least, this time.  I may make a mistake, but the door is open, to loving, and being loved. I can love without longing for things to be different than they are.

I have always said, we don’t know what our soul’s journey is.  I can’t know what S’s soul is here to learn in this lifetime.  Nor mine.  We were meant to know each other, of that I’m sure. And I feel sure that we have known each other in other lifetimes. Now, we are meant to go our separate ways.  The human in me wants reasons.  But my soul, just says go.  Go through the door. You will never understand any of this in human terms.

And so I go.  I haven’t been able to trust myself, I doubt my own judgement.  But my soul knows that this path is the one I have to walk. In the silence I give to myself every day, I have heard. I trust….once again, that love is walking my way.  I thought for so long that S was it.  But it was a story I made up, and I have unmade it.  There is someone there though…

The door is open.