I have lived on the lip of insanity,
Wanting to know reasons, knocking on a door.
I’ve been knocking from the inside.
The last day I was in VA, my little sister, my niece (her daughter) and I went to a shop where my older sister sells her paintings, and is full of beautiful handcrafted goods, pottery, paintings, jewelry, woven cloth, candles, soaps, bird feeders, stained glass. Professional grade, really, just gorgeous.
I bought a coffee mug with the Rumi quote above inscribed on it. It resonated with me. I think, that I need to look at the break-up as the door finally opening. Instead of closing. My world in fact, expanded, it did not shrink as I thought. Looking for reasons why things are the way they are, I can look through the door, I can walk through the door, into the light now. I can leave the torturous questions about why….in the past. I can love without regret, but I can keep my heart safe. At least, this time. I may make a mistake, but the door is open, to loving, and being loved. I can love without longing for things to be different than they are.
I have always said, we don’t know what our soul’s journey is. I can’t know what S’s soul is here to learn in this lifetime. Nor mine. We were meant to know each other, of that I’m sure. And I feel sure that we have known each other in other lifetimes. Now, we are meant to go our separate ways. The human in me wants reasons. But my soul, just says go. Go through the door. You will never understand any of this in human terms.
And so I go. I haven’t been able to trust myself, I doubt my own judgement. But my soul knows that this path is the one I have to walk. In the silence I give to myself every day, I have heard. I trust….once again, that love is walking my way. I thought for so long that S was it. But it was a story I made up, and I have unmade it. There is someone there though…
The door is open.