Been thinking a lot about Jim, the guy I’ve just met and having lunch with tomorrow.  I like him, he’s a good guy.  But honestly, he’s jumping in with both feet and I’m just not ready for that.  I am flattered by his attention, and his desire to spend time with me and talk to me.  He called me at lunch, he bought a smartphone today, mostly so he could take pics and check FaceBook now that we are friends, and text, though we’ve not done that yet. He called m on my lunch, he called me tonight. I am holding back, big time.  I am just not ready for an intense relationship, it hasn’t even been a month since my world disintegrated and I’ve had to try to rebuild it.  I invited my cousin over tonight to just talk for awhile tonight.  Partly because she had some real stuff she needed to talk about, party because I wanted to have a legit reason to not talk to him too long.

So tomorrow at lunch, I am going to explain to him about S, and how the relationship break-up is fresh, and I need to move slowly.  We’re going out to dinner Friday.  My bff can’t come over on Saturday to hand out candy.  But I asked a couple other friends to come too.  I thought about asking Jim, but I don’t want to invite him to my house.  That would just send the wrong message, not what I want to do.

In the meantime, A has continued to be my rock.  I swear, I don’t know where I’d be without him these past 3 weeks.  He’s gentle, and loving and compassionate.  Even from 2000 miles away.  There is not a mean bone in his body, even when he’s been rejected big time, when I blew him off for S  last spring when I came home from Florida, he never stopped loving me.  Just the same way I will always love S. A always has welcomed me with open arms.  Though this last time, he said, “No more disappearing acts, ok?”

Today was a decent day.  I have some clean-up from the break-up still to do, little odds and ends that I want to take care of that will keep me on track.  I had bought the song “Comfortably Numb” by Pink FLoyd over the summer, when I discovered it, one of the times that S disappeared on me (probably with BB, though I have no idea really).  Later he said he felt I “stole” it from him, that it had a lot of meaning to him.  Stole it?  That was just stupid, I didn’t even know about it til I was googling pictures for that exact phrase “comfortably numb”.  I just felt that way because I was drinking wine every night for 3 nights until I was numb, “comfortably numb”, because he had disappeared without a trace, and I thought he was really really sick, and was terrified for him.  I want to delete it from my play list now, because it reminds me of him, and the darkness that he slid back into and allowed it to break us up.  The song is really too dark for me.

There is a book he gave me, that I sent back to him a couple months ago when I was sick of the bs, and got my own copy, called “Jitterbug Perfume.”  It seems to be a funny, off-beat book.  I liked what I read of it.  But I’ve tried to pick it up since my world was turned upside down, and it’s my own copy, but it either infuriates me to read it, or makes me cry, so I need to bury it away somewhere to read another time.

Stuff like that, stuff that I’m ok about until, without trying, it jumps in my face. Little things, that I need to get out of my life, even the periphery.

Well I didn’t too so well not writing about him, but better.  I’m ok tonight.  I’ll be even better tomorrow.

Love and light all….