Got my new computer, and partly set up.   So glad to be back on line, but I’m not used to this keyboard yet, lol.

I never heard from S.  I guess he’s not talking to me.  I sent him a last message asking if he’s really never going to talk to me again.  I said, I loved you so much, please don’t do this.

But apparently he’s going to.

I had stop at the store and get cream for coffee in the morning, and I’ve been a little sad all afternoon, once I realized I was checking my email incessantly for a message that wasn’t going to come.  But when I left the store, I had a little heart to heart with myself, and realized that I don’t want to get back with him, I don’t want to have sex with him, I just wanted him to be in my life on some level, maybe because I’m used to having him there.  I will always love him, always miss him, but he’s got to travel his path, whatever it is.  I would have liked to see him once more, just to maybe smooth over some of the really hard parts, and let him go on a positive, or more positive note.  But if it can’t be, it can’t be. He did a lot of damage to me, but I am strong, I’ll be fine.  My door will remain open.  I wish him nothing but love.

I got home, and began to set up my computer, turned on the tv and saw the horrible news from Paris.  So sad, so senseless.  The misery that humans are capable of wreaking on each other is just mind boggling.  Fear and hate.  Just so sad.  My heart goes out to Paris tonight.

I left my phone in another room while I was working on the computer.  When I went to get it, I saw that the man I had kind of expected to talk to last night, had called tonight.  He left a voice mail, and said he’d connect with me over the weekend.  I called him back, and left a short voice mail, so he’d know when I’d be around this weekend.  I liked the energy of his voice at any rate.  It seems that he called within minutes of me coming to terms with the fact that S wasn’t going to respond to my messages, and he’s blocked my phone. I’ve known that holding onto S and A would keep my heart closed to a new man who might be perfect.  I don’t know if this man is it, of course, but i do think that I freed up the energy and the space for the possibility.

Love and light.