Addie was out on a date last night, so I didn’t get to talk to him.  But he wished me goodnight, “Goodnight my love”, while he was with her.  I assume he was with the Christmas woman.  It’s whatever.  I’m not really jealous, I just would have liked to talk to him after the weekend. Tonight I have an appointment to cut and highlight my hair, so I won’t be around til later.

I almost sent S a link to my last night’s blog, Caught in the Riptide, with a note saying, “I’d really like answers to these questions some day”.  I actually typed it out, but then thought let me sleep on it, let me see how I feel in the morning.  And this morning I think, why?  He most likely would ignore it, first of all, but if he didn’t, it would come to no good end to initiate any kind of communication.

I think I also wanted him to know the reasons I told her, to understand why I made him tell her and then finished the job myself.  But he’ll likely read the blog.  I don’t think as long as his name is in the blog consistently he can stop reading it.  It’s attention.

I’m pretty sure Betty Boop told him not to try to contact him, and he probably doesn’t.  That’s what happened the last time, when I met him. That’s what the note she left with her key to her house said (he sent me a picture).  I don’t think she can do the hard conversations, he always said she was a woman of few words.  But he can’t either.  He either gets angry or defensive, it is hard for him to just talk out the issues with a give and take.  Especially when the issues are ones he created, caused, and is fully responsible for.  Accountability is not his strong suit.

And of course, I’m the woman with way too many words at times. So, this is the only attention he is likely getting, are my thoughts.  I could try to stop writing about him, and my emotions around what he did,  and sometimes I do.  But my healing requires me to write, and I can’t censure what I write because he may be reading it.

I’m feeling more myself this morning.  Less angry, hurt, more accepting, more hopeful, more looking to the future.   I do hope Addie finds someone, he needs someone.  I don’t, never have. I wanted someone, and there’s a big difference.  If the right guy doesn’t come along, I have a rich full life.  It can always be richer and fuller, but I trust in the universe to bring it there.

Yep, out of the riptide this morning.  The seas are calming, and my soul with it.