Christmas Eve.  The cooking is done for tonight.  We had a nice meal, but now my son has retreated to his space, and I’m here alone with the tv and my computer.  I miss the old days of being with extended family, having people around.

I called my ex today and told him there was soup and cookies on his doorknob.  He seemed really happy that I thought of him, and that I called.  He got me up to date on his family.  Most of it I knew but I didn’t tell him.  He didn’t sound drunk, so maybe he has stayed off the alcohol.  We had a nice conversation, and that’s a relief.  I called him because I knew if he didn’t go out of the house through that door, he wouldn’t know it was there.  And he didn’t know.  I was glad he called.

I told my son his father was going to call him.  I told him about our nice conversation.  I said, “you know, it would be nice if we were all at least talking before we all move.”  My son nodded, and agreed.  He has not talked to his father in 4 years.  At least.  I think it’s time, really.  He’s been away from his dad for 7 years, I’ve been for 9.

His dad called tonight, while we were eating.  My son didn’t answer it, but said he would call him back tomorrow.  I would be so happy if the relationship with my son and his father improved to the point that they were on speaking terms.  I was going to say was normal, but I think that’s asking a lot.  If my son can talk to his father, at all, without fear or resentment, I would be happy.  That’s a Christmas gift in itself.

While I was writing, my son came up and he and I just had an intimate, hard conversation about moving.  He to Colorado, me to Florida.  He is afraid he won’t have saved enough money to move, and set up a new life there by the time the house sells.  He just told me he is happy here.  He doesn’t want to even move, he would be happier if we were just staying here.  But he knows I can’t stay here and keep the house if I retire.  It’s just too expensive to live here.  But we came up with a plan, I assured him I would work with him.  But it’s up to him to make a plan he can live with, and then work the plan.

He feels better.  It’s overwhelming to him, he’s only lived in this small New England town his whole life.  Growing pains.  He’s kind of been living in between being totally on his own and being taken care of by a parent.  He’s talking about embarking on his own life, and he’s overwhelmed by it.  But he’ll be fine.

I have to say, we have been happy here.  Living here has been a hard won dream come true.  This is the place where we healed from the years of abuse.  The end of this segment of our lives is going to bring big changes to us both.  They will be good changes, but changes nonetheless.

Seems like a lot of growing pains this Christmas.  My son, and his life.  His and my relationship with his father.  Me with letting go of those things that have not served me well this past year, the things that have drained me, and given nothing back.  Over the next week, I want to fully let these things go,  and focus my attention where it will move me forward in my dreams, and bring me joy.

Still, I am so blessed this Christmas.  So much to be grateful for.  And I am.  More than I can say.

Merry Christmas, everyone.