For two days, I have been unsettled. I knew why but didn’t want to write it here, because I also felt he was reading the blog again. But I knew it was him, I knew I was feeling his upset, his angst. It was mixed with Maggie, but last night I even messaged a friend telling her, what it was. I was pretty sure I was going to hear from him, and after 2 months of silence, I did today. It still freaked me out. I do much better when I don’t hear from him. It’s easier to move on when I can pretend he’s dead.
At any rate, he wanted to talk. I thought he meant on the phone, but he meant face to face. I asked why, not wanting to find myself hanging from a limb again, and hoping I wouldn’t find myself face down in the dirt once more. He asked if I was already blogging this, and quoted a reply I’d made to a comment not a half hour before. I said, if you’re back with Betty, a phone call would suffice.
We texted, as usual. We didn’t meet, which I didn’t really want to do. He called me, I ended up screaming at him, because he can’t be accountable. He says what can I do now? For either she or I. I said a heartfelt apology with no “but but but’s”would be a start. Change. Be the man I always saw.
As with all our conversations, it came to no good end. We are mirrors of each other, just like his poem, each defines what the other is not. It was the typical push pull conversation. Push pull push pull. The complete story of Scott and I.
I never dreamed that Betty would keep reading the blog. I assumed that she was not, that she’d found out what she needed to know, and would stop reading. I didn’t mean to expose her to pain, as I tried to deal with my own. So the rest of this blog is to apologize.
I’m sorry Betty, honest to God. I never meant to add to your pain. It was never my intention. I felt I had to tell you what he had been doing, and tell you the whole truth. I could not be party to another lie falling out of Scott’s mouth onto my head or yours. The weight of the lies was breaking me. I told Scott I hoped if it had been you that discovered the deception, that you would have told me,and that I would have wanted the details, I would have wanted a complete picture of what was going on. I was sure he would minimize our relationship to you, and while it wasn’t like yours with him, it was something. There was something. I adored him, what he felt for me I really don’t know. Something.
I didn’t put details of our relationship in this blog to hurt you. The very last thing I want to do is to make someone feel as badly as I do. That was me, trying to make sense of my life, trying to work through all these things we did that apparently meant nothing to him, or not much. It was me, working through it. That’s why I write, like I said in my letter. It keeps me sane. Sometimes I’m ok, sometimes I miss him so much I’m crying, sometimes I’m so angry at him. And sometimes, I just wish we were friends, because he could make me laugh like no one else. And sometimes, I never want to hear his name again.
So, it all comes out in the printed word. It’s all here, but it was put here because this is what I do. It wasn’t EVER meant to hurt you, it was never about revenge for my broken heart. Writing is like breathing for me, I just have to do it when something is on my mind.
I wonder how he would have felt if you denied him to everyone.
I told him I don’t think monogamy is in his genes.
I don’t understand for a moment why he lied to me about you, and said you had cheated on him and gotten married. I have no idea what the motivation was there. He lied just to lie, because he could. My ex husband did that, though never about other women. He just loved being able to make someone believe something that wasn’t true.
I know he thinks he loves you. He calls you his best friend, and I have no doubt you were his best friend. Too bad he couldn’t be a best friend back. He wants me to feel guilty that you will never talk to him again. I keep telling him, that he owns 100% of this fiasco. No one else, but really least of all you. I feel like I did the right thing, like I was the unlucky one of us that figured it out. When he told me he’d never forgive me, I said, “Why would I care if you forgave me? It’s me, whether I could forgive myself for not telling you.” I told him, after I stopped seeing him, but before I knew you’d been with him the whole time, that I’d seen a picture of you on FB and that you looked like such a nice woman, and that I thought you just wanted to love him and be loved back, and why doesn’t he just try to do right by you.
By the way, my friend who said you looked weathered, after I told her I thought you were really pretty, was just trying to make me feel better, I’m sure. You’re beautiful. Honestly. If I’d thought you were reading this, I wouldn’t have mentioned it. My friend just could see my pain, and thought it would help me. I realize it was shallow of me, but it did somehow make me feel less 2nd best for her to say that. I’m sorry. It was wrong to publish that. Please pay no attention to it, it was just an attempt on my friends part to make me feel better.
I’m just sorry, for all of this. I know I was the heavy here, and I can handle that, because to be otherwise would have asked me to be his accomplice. But I never wanted to hurt you, I was never looking for revenge through this blog or the letter I sent you. I have only tried to work through my own stuff. I’ve never tried to crush you (Scott’s words). I’ve never wanted to add to your pain. I wish we could be friends. Really. You have my contact information. I’d be happy to har from you.
He says I’m obsessed, well maybe I am. I think I’d be fine now, if he just didn’t lie so much, it makes me question everything, as I’ve written here enough. I told him, I’ve come away with precious little from this, so I’d like to hold on to what little I have. Whether or not it’s accurate in his mind, I don’t really care. I do think that he has a knack for re-writing history. I keep saying I don’t want to write any more about him, but then I remember something else, I need to find a place for it. But I’m sorry, so sorry, if my words added to the pain he gave you.
He told me you were angry at how he treated me. I want to thank you for that, for your empathy, but mostly for your recognition that I really loved that man. Hearing that relieved me, that maybe you don’t hate me, and you might understand where I’m coming from.
It’s amazing how much destruction can follow one man around. Just unbelievable. Just lay waste to peoples lives and hearts, to feed his own ego.
I have a date tomorrow. I hope it turns out to be someone who can make me forget him. I hope you are able to get past this soon, and move on with your life too. I wish you the very best, all good things, and no more liars in your life. You’re beautiful Betty. Scott’s an idiot for what he did to you. I’ve called him an emotional adolescent and I stand by that. If he could own it, there might be hope for him.
With Love and sincere heartfelt remorse for adding to your pain, Deb
learningtolivelikewaterblog.com 
I hope this situation works out for everyone and in the best interest of all. Love can lit a fire in burns all that comes near it. May you find some healing…
Thank you so much. That’s my intention. 😊
While I understand your desire for her forgiveness and understanding, I think Betty not contacting you is best for everyone. Or mainly her, because she needs to be NC with everyone about this who was involved. If you and her start twisting together the Scott story, imagine how septic that stands to become. Blech. It needs to be expelled into the void. Kind of like Scott. And yes, maybe you are a little fixated… In part because you obviously feel a lot of guilt and responsibility that you don’t really have a way of alleviating. You can’t get it from closure with him. And getting forgiveness from Betty that is actually about you isn’t what’s best for Betty. That’s a hard spirit to exercise. Maybe instead of thinking on it. You need to focus your meditation on everything else around this pain. The negative space so to speak. When you’re trying not to cry, you’re supposed to see negative space details. Like “the windows are 3×5 feet, and have brown curtains that touch the floor”… You will never not see Scott in your world, but you can pay more attention to the things in your world which are not him
To be honest, whether or not she forgives me is her business. Im pretty sure she knows where I’m coming from. I just needed to say publicly that I’m sorry if I added to her pain. Scott was clear that I had, and it was never my intention, never what I wanted to do, as I worked through my own. I don’t have any guilt, except that of unwittingly causing her more pain. The responsibility for all of this lies squarely on Scotts shoulders, not mine. What is best for Betty and I is to have clarity over the whole situation, to practice whatever method of healing works for each of us and move on and away from this ugly drama. Thank you so much for your thoughts on this. I see him quite clearly. There were lessons that were good to learn. It was not a waste of my time. I just want her to know that I’m really sorry if I caused her wounds to bleed again. She has my total and complete support and empathy. We will probably never talk or meet, so I am communicating here, because Scott says she reads this, so she will know.
I can totally understand the need you have to say these things to her, to show that you have never had any bad intentions. When my narcissistic ex had cheated, I had a short conversation by text with that woman afterwards. She gave a heartfelt apology and said she did not know of my existence, which I believed. For me, that helped me.. to start realizing things about his narcissism. I think it shows what a kind person you are, to wish her well like this.
Oh, and that comment you got from him about: “What can I do?”, that is classic narcissistic behavior, to be oblivious to the fact of just how much you hurt someone, and how to make it right. God, I wanted to punch my narc ex when he always said that (in a self pitying tone, too!). In read somewhere about narcissism, that this is a sign of the disorder/traits; when you have to explain to an adult about what is “right” and “decent”… think it was on psychopathfree.com or something. Normal adults know when they did something wrong and how to go about making a mends. .hugs! 💜
Thank you so much, I so appreciate that you understand what I’m trying to do. Betty is the real innocent bystander here, and honestly, if I’d thought she was still reading my blog, I would have not said a lot of things, details, knowing they would hurt her. It’s the details that pop up that cause me to become introspective, to try to figure out what was going on, and I work that out by writing. I just was sure she stopped reading them. I guess that was me projecting, because I would have stopped once I got the information I needed to know. I do understand that not everyone is like me…and I know the pain she is in, and I am more than sorry if I’ve added to it.
Scott….I know where it comes from with him, I know how lost he is, and I know how alone he’s been his whole life. It’s not my story to tell, so I don’t tell it here. But it’s enough for me to be able to see past his bad behavior, when I have distance, and know that the light I saw in him still shines. People who are in their ego, don’t understand how weak it makes them. We are such mirrors for each other. Just like his poem, each defines what the other is not. I still see that light, he will always be the child who steered the riverboat out into the deep. I will always hope he can navigate back.
Thanks again. It’s been a ride for the last day for sure.
Yes, Betty is innocent AS ARE YOU. And whether your blog did or did not make her feel bad? Um of course it would make anyone feel bad to know they were lied, betrayed and deceived. The CONTENT of the blog is upsetting to her, and that is not in any way your fault. I’m sure she’s a lovely person but why does she deserve any more consideration than you yourself deserve?
This is just another huge mindfuck with small elements of truth by a master manipulator/selfish malignant narcissist. If she won’t talk to him or see him how does he know she reads it and whether or not it has hurt her. The blog isn’t the problem, Scott is.
I just think you are taking on way too much guilt that does NOT belong at your door. And that just gives him exactly what he wants. Making YOU feel like crap for HIS lies, cheating, manipulations, games and complete betrayal of both of you. He’s a sick puppy and he is way too friggin old to ever be a real man. It’s too late for him and that’s the truth.This is obviously who he is and who he has always been. And at his age (he’s a senior citizen right?), that will not change.
Of course your friend wanted to cheer you up. It’s what our friends do. I think you have been overwhelmingly fair and kind to her, more so than she has been to you. I would thank someone for telling me the truth about a lying, cheating scumbag I thought loved me and who I was sleeping with. I don’t know if we would be bffs, but I would reach out and thank her UNLESS I was still allowing myself to be manipulated by the piece of crap that caused all the destruction. We know he’s really good at lies and spinning stories.
I’m sorry that nothing has changed. He’s still not worthy of your love and affection. And honestly you really need to be clear. He’s charismatic and charming, which is why he made you laugh. But he’s never been a good friend to you. If he was he wouldn’t have done all the lying and cheating he did.
I hope you are able to put this behind you in the future and be indifferent to him. Yes, the trauma and the addiction to him do make us fixate a bit for a while. Just know it’s not forever and it takes as long as it takes to heal. But it is an addiction not love that keeps us going back to what hurts us. While I did love Putz very much and he says he still does (which I think is ridiculous), I did become addicted to him and held on long after I should have let him go. It caused me to keep in contact with him when I needed to be healing and moving on. I just couldn’t let go for a long time. Thankfully, that is no longer the case and most days I am happy and at peace.
I know it’s his fault and so does he. Really. I just didn’t mean to cause any additional pain. I don’t feel any guilt whatsoever, and he’s not trying to make me. She read the blogs last week and I guess called him “screaming” because she had no idea of the closeness or intensity of our relationship, and was blindsided. I did this as a courtesy to her, not for him. I too would have wanted to know, which is why I told her. But I prefer hard truths, complete truths, and will stay with something until I have it. Which is how all the shit hit the fan to begin with. Not everyone is like that. My conscience is clear, I wanted to publicly acknowledge that I didn’t mean to hurt her, that’s all. The blog has always been about me, my feelings and observations. So I’m done with the issue, I’ve done what I can. And life goes on.