I loved a man once,
Without guile,
Without pretense,
With purity, honesty.
Without limit.
I gave everything I had
Free, for the having.
I asked nothing.

I got nothing.
Should I then, have asked?

I guess this is what it’s about, making yourself vulnerable. I never believed in holding back. Once I make up my mind about what I want, I see no purpose in holding back. That seems like a game, to hold back and dole it out a little at a time Making sure that each bit you give is matched. Word for word. Gift for gift. Lustful desire for lustful desire.

I never believed in asking either.  At least, not for love.  If it’s not given freely, I’m not sure it has much value.

Maybe it’s smarter to go tit for tat. Maybe then it’s easier to get back up when you get knocked down. Maybe the blow isn’t quite so hard. Maybe there is a cushion made by the things you didn’t say, or do, or give.

But then, might you not say, for the rest of your life, “What if?” What if you’d wanted to tell him you loved him but didn’t, and it was what he needed to hear, because he didn’t think he was lovable. What if you didn’t give him that sailboat sculpture you knew he’d like, because he didn’t have something equal to give to you? You would have missed the smile on his face, the twinkle in his eyes, the way he explained all about the boat and what each part of it was, and how it was true to scale, and what kind of boat it was. You would have missed all that, because he didn’t have a gift of equal value to give to you. What if, you didn’t tell him you wanted to see him, because you didn’t want to say it first, and found out he needed to be wanted, at that moment, just to go on.

At the end of the day, I need to know I gave it my all, my everything. That there was no stone left unturned, that he had all the facts on the table, and said, no, it’s not what I want. I can deal with that. I can say, I love you, I’ll always love you. But good bye.

Of course…..what I can’t, couldn’t, deal with was all the betrayal. There was no need for it, and it just grates against my nature. To take what was given honestly, purely, unconditionally, and treat it like it was nothing, nothing but a toy to be played with. We could have parted respectfully, and remained friends. But betrayal, after betrayal, continuing for months after we stopped seeing each other. Every word spoken, every act, another betrayal.

But that’s a blog I’ve written about plenty and now wish to let it go. I can’t undo it, and it belies a sickness in him, not in me.

I’m glad, satisfied, happy, and confident that I did the right thing, in making myself fully vulnerable. I will do it again. I will not play a game. If I love someone, I will love him fully, unconditionally, in every way I can. I will not hold back. Ever. The key is….to find someone you can trust with your love. That will be my intention next time. Not to give it away, until I know I can lay me down in the circle of his arms and be safe.