Today all day I reminded myself that there’s nothing wrong with me. There is absolutely nothing wrong with me.

And there’s not. My bloodwork came back all good. So it’s stress. I know it’s stress. I know that all this stuff on my plate that I absolutely have to deal with to get moved to Florida has to just get done. I have to plow through it. I have to not let the list upset me. I have to do one thing at a time.

So I called my sister tonight, my loveable, beautiful sister, and she helped me with the forms for Mom’s estate. I will have them into the mail by Monday. I told her, because she’s worried, that all my labs came back ok, that there’s nothing wrong but that I am just stressing the shit out of myself. I hadn’t told her about the cryptic and sporadic contact from S that has been making me crazy, because I just didn’t want to. But I told her tonight, and told her how it just eats at me to hear from him, because I still love him, but he hurt me so much I can’t even stand to have that little bit of connection. I need to be free of it, forever. I can’t imagine a time when I will think of him and not hurt from it. So, I’m grateful that so far he is honoring my request to let me go.

I was pretty happy all day today. I did that meditation this morning, and all day was happy thinking about the end of all this stress, being at the Mangia Cafe, having a drink, and listening to my friends sing under the stars. Or having a bike, and riding it to the beach to watch the sun come up. Or go down. I was showing the picture to some of my colleagues at work, saying “This is gonna be my life….” That thought enables me to relax, and put perspective back into my long list of things to do and worry about, lol.

I was reading Marianne Williamson today, A Return to Love. I wanted to brush up on it before my book club meeting, even though I read it a few years ago. She said, when you allow love into your heart, and your life, instead of fear, you can expect it to get hard. All the things that most aggravate you will confront you. Because, you if you are going to embrace life from a place of love, not fear, you can’t just love when it’s easy. You have to love no matter how hard it is, because that’s where grace lies. So, the people who most aggravate and hurt you, you have to learn to deal with from a place of love. Not hate, not fear. But love.

She says too, from A Course in Miracles, love isn’t love until it’s unconditional. I know this is true. It’s why it is easier for me to love all the people I have loved than it is not to. Even the ones that have hurt me, devastated me. I never put any limits on anyone when I loved them. I never said, I’ll love you unless you do such and such. I’ll love you if you do such and such. I just said, I love you. You. The person you are. I love you. I never will put brackets on loving anyone. I won’t have people in my life if they’ve hurt me, I just can’t. But I can love them, still, for the rest of my life.

And that’s hard. It’s really hard. But I’m trying. Because I believe the only way this world will ever change is for each of us to change our perception of things from fear to love. I’ve always said our toughest teachers are the ones who caused us the most pain, and thus, the most growth.

I’m grateful to them. I really am. Even though, still, I hurt when I think of them. But that too is a lesson, how to get through the pain and the grief and grow, and embrace life stronger, to not shrivel up from fear of being hurt again.

So the stress is teaching me a lesson. I have to learn balance. I always thought since I got through that 4 year divorce that ended in the Supreme Court, not by my choice, that I could get through anything. I got through a horrible custody battle, during which I wasn’t able to communicate with my son. Again, I thought nothing should stress me out after that.

But life goes on, and just because I had a few doozies for stress, doesn’t mean there won’t be more. And would I want that? I want to keep growing and evolving and learning how to deal with every situation. From love, from a place of love.

I’m really glad I’m reading that book now. Because as far as I can tell, love really is the answer. It really is all we need.

Didn’t really mean to get all philosophical. Just trying to find my way through it all. And come out with a bigger heart than I went in with.

Love and light.