Last night I was surfing the channels on TV, tired, unstressed, kind of wanted maybe a chick flick or something.  I stumbled onto Mystic Pizza.  It’s kind of a classic, Julia Roberts got her start.  Mystic is about an hour from where I live, I’ve been there many times and I like watching movies where I recognize the scenery.  So that’s what I watched.

In this case, as the movie went on, I thought, maybe not such a good idea.  Mystic is also a place I went with S, on our excursions.  It is on the CT shoreline, where I had wanted to spend the day yesterday but couldn’t.  But the thing that really got me was the 3 girls and their relationships, all the kissing.  S did not like kiissing, and rarely did more than a quick kiss goodbye. It was seriously withheld after our first date, and I think the idea, the implied promise, that it may happen again kept me hanging on.  Thus, my poem last night, Just a Kiss.

Of course, until I realized it just kept getting farther away, and finally, that it was never going to happen again.  He got what he wanted from me, there was no need to give me  more.  He wasn’t feeling it, he didn’t want to feel it, and I no longer craved it from him.  I just wanted to be free to find it.

By the end of the movie, I was just glad that I no longer felt the desire to have it from him, nor did I have the desire to interact at all with him.  I’m so glad I cut off communication by blocking him on my phone, it has helped me regain my equilibrium.  He can call and leave a voice mail, but I am not even checking to see if he did.  I don’t want to know.  I hope he has not, I hope he has respected my request to not try to communicate with me.

It’s funny, too, how my carpal tunnel the last few nights has not been nearly as painful.  My cousin told me that when the right arm has pain it’s from too much giving.  I’ve stopped giving to him, and my arm is much better at night.  It still hurts, I will still get the surgery, but it’s so nice not to wake up with shooting pains in it, like someone is sticking a hot poker down my arm, and my hands and fingers aching and throbbing.  Something to be said for the emotional component of all physical issues, isn’t there?

I guess that pain, like all the other from this difficult relationship, is receding.