To be or not to be, that is the question.

To be what?  In love with S?  He isn’t in love with me, though he likes me well enough, likes being with me.  Our relationship was important enough to him to follow through this weekend.  It’s not love, but it’s  nice.   I can’t help but love him and his funny, off beat, intelligent, and quirky personality.  But that’s my problem, lol, not his…..

To be friends with A? I don’t love A, I’m pretty sure he still loves me, it makes me uncomfortable to be close friends wit him and intimate with S.  It just doesn’t feel right to me, I don’t know how to balance it.

To be alone?  I am fine alone, but not all the time.  I enjoy the company of a man.  Particularly S, Most everything we do together is fun.  My problem is I get very attached.  I get a little, and it makes me long for more.

I don’t know where I am this morning.  I am still not wanting to put any parameters on my relationship with S.  I enjoy every minute with him, so why should I not be with him?  I am ever so afraid of heartache down the road with him, but isn’t that the hallmark of most relationships?  You have to take a risk, and as it develops, your fears should subside, right?

I am going to be moving to Florida in a year or so.  I will be moving away, not he.  Our relationship is bound to be changed by that.  There are endless possibilities of how we could manage it.  But what right do I have to be demanding now, when I’m the one who’s going to make the biggest change to our relationship?  I can’t.  I can just be with S for as long as we want to be with each other, as long as we enjoy each others company.

As for A….I was going to send him an email, telling him more or less to bugger off.  I don’t think I will.  I think I will just let that relationship die a slow natural easy death, like going to sleep and not waking up, he and I will just fade into our histories.

To be…in the moment, to be mindful, to learn acceptance and gratitude for what is, and find grace.  I guess I am really getting sick of pushing, and am realizing that it’s not necessary.

To be or not to be?  I think, just let it be.