Just wrote a long blog about A and S, which I decided not to publish.  It was TMI.  Suffice to say, The day did not get easier. I miss S, I’m not in love with A, though I love him.  I found it hard to deal with the missing S today. But I knew I had to deal with it.  The facts are what they are.  A is way too much into me, I need to back off of that.

I wish there was someone who was a balance of the two.  A is too clingy, S is too detached. I am fucking lonely.  And tired. And looking forward to taking a week off and going to NY this weekend.  I need a change of scene.  I need to put the past behind me, and do some thinking on my own, see if I can get clarity.

I could probably talk to S without losing it now, but why?  So I can hear how he wants to be free again?  No thanks.  Once or twice was enough for me.  He could reach me on email, if he had something to say.  Or even leave me a voice mail saying something other than we should talk.  Talk about what?  How different we are, how we are night and day, how nothing will ever grow between us?  I’ve got that message, no need to repeat it.

I’m rambling.  I’m tired.  My arm kept me up for a couple hours in the middle of the night.  then I worked for 9 or 10 hours, trying to get everything done before I go on vacation.  One more day.  I have the pre-op exam tomorrow morning or my carpal tunnel surgery.  Cannot wait to have the surgery, and be able to sleep through the night.

Going to bed. I need to just let go. Peace out everyone.