I spent 24 hours with S.  It was not what I expected, but I should know better than to have expectations when I’m with him.  I am considered by my friends to be outside the box, some of them say, in reference to me, “What box?”  S inspires my thinking to be even more outside, more creative, and it’s one thing I love about him.

I had thought, based on our first conversations Tuesday night, that we were more in the same place.  At that time, he had said and done some things that I had been waiting to hear for months.  I don’t believe he was saying them just to get me back in his life.  He is too honest to do that.  I think they were things that he felt at the time, but everything is fluid, always and ever changing.

Yesterday, he was pensive, not quite so ready to open his heart. Pulling his emotions back a little. It took me a little while to assimilate it all.  It turns out that my relationship with A was somewhat disturbing to him, that I went into it so quickly, that I didn’t take time to get over him.  I have tried to explain to S that A showed up when I was so down, so insecure, felt so bad about myself, that it was just good for me, to feel wanted, desired by someone.  I learned from A, that having someone adore you is not going to fill a hole created by someone else.  The fact that A was crazy about me was not enough to make me stop wanting to be with S.  And S is all I thought about all the time.  So a few short weeks with A, and I realized pretty quickly that I shouldn’t be there, and should try to repair whatever it was S and I had. I veered off course for awhile.

Yesterday, S kept asking me what was wrong.  He is very intuitive, and knew that things weren’t sitting with me well.  I couldn’t explain it at that time, I hadn’t yet allowed the feeling to form as a coherent thought in my head.  I thought about it when I got home, and I think it was caused by me putting myself out there on the vulnerability limb with him again, fully exposing how I felt and then realizing when I was there that while he may be more open to a real loving relationship with me, he is not there yet.  I had kind of thought he’d made up his mind.  It was confusing me, and scaring me.  I realize he too is still scared, and that’s what was holding him back.  Old fears, resurfacing.

I’m scared he won’t love me, he’s scared he will.

Fear sucks. I had to work at accepting what was yesterday, and being ok with it. I don’t think I did fully, until I got home. I think it helped S to tell me how he felt yesterday.  It was a productive day for us.  We talked a lot.  He took me to a greenhouse lush with tropical plants, lemon trees, hibiscus, bird of paradise…hot and humid. It felt like a jungle in there, while outside it was about a 25° wind chill.  It was a very cool excursion. We had fun, we flirted, and we got hot!  I thoroughly enjoyed it.

This morning I am not so afraid.  Trusting that things will work out the way they should.  I don’t like dangling from that vulnerability limb by myself.  I also know it’s the only way I can live, to lay things out on the table, and invite him to join me there.  I know he cares about me, and I have to let him make his way to the table, without my guidance.  I hope he gets there.  I hope he can open him heart to me, I think we could have a surprisingly wonderful time together.