When I was going through my divorce, I belonged to an on-line support group for survivors of physical and emotional abuse.  (http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Physical-Emotional-Abuse/support-group).  I remained active in the group for about 5 years, and gained an enormous wealth of information regarding abuse, abusive relationships, and peripherally, dysfunctional relationships.

At first it was just the most enormous relief to me, to find out there was a name for what I lived through.  I found out there was a library of books to read, to educate myself.  There is an active forum, where people at all places on the path all over the world offer support and love.  I am still, years later, still close with the friends I made there.

One of the dysfunctional relationship types that are often part of an abusive family that I learned about was enmeshment.  Wikipedia describes this as a relationship “where personal boundaries were diffuse, sub-systems undifferentiated, and over-concern for others led to a loss of autonomous development.^[1] Enmeshed in parental needs, trapped in a discrepant role function,^[2] a child may lose his or her capacity for self-direction;,^[3] his/her own distinctiveness, under the weight of psychic incest;^[4] and, if family pressures increase, may end up becoming the identified patient or family scapegoat.^[5]

Of particular interest to me is the part about a child trapped in parental needs.  I have seen first hand that this can occur with elderly parents and middle aged children.  The anger and pain of the child who has given up their own personal goals, and life, to care for an elderly disabled parent is no small thing.  The rage and anger it causes is visceral.  And often the rage and anger is at others in the family….siblings, spouses, children.  I have seen every thing that was done that aggravated the care-giving child their whole life, now becomes fodder to feed the rage, the ego, the martyr.

I heard “Why is this my lot?”  Well, me and my Byron Katie attitude wants to say, “Because it’s supposed to be.  How do I know? Because it is.”  Not that its supposed to be because of any reason that we as humans could understand.  But because there is a grander design, there is a soul journey that each of us undertakes that we cannot possibly understand in human terms. I could go on and on with New Age thought about past lives, and soul journeys…but suffice to say, that I don’t think there are any coincidences.  And if there aren’t we are all doing what we set out to do when we chose this life.

But enmeshment is ugly.  It’s so harmful, as one person gives up themselves for the care of another.  In this case, of the very elderly disabled person….I know in her right mind she would never want to be a burden to any of her children.  And for whatever reason, or for many reasons, the caregiver has put her own life on hold as she over extends to care for the elderly relative.  Now, she is full of resentment, anger, pain.  She is overwhelmed, unhealthy, resorting to Xanax, Ambien, and lots of alcohol to deal with it, instead of taking a breath and a walk, and regrouping.

The key to a successful journey is to get through it with your love and compassion intact.  Your sense of self expanded, not deflated.  Your joy made grander, your appreciation for life made fuller with each passing day.  There has to be a balance, one has to find a balance so that the caregiver still has their own life.  The caregiver has to demand it, if necessary.  Finding time in the day to read, or write, or paint….whatever it is that comes from your heart and makes you feel like you….has to be penciled in as mandatory.

I would like to tell this to this particular care giver.  At the moment I have been cut off, and will respect that boundary.  I hope at some point she realizes that attacking the people in her life that love her, and would support her, given the chance, will leave her all alone in the end, before it’s too late.

Enmeshment is ugly, and sad.  It leads nowhere.  And it’s difficult to find your way out of, because often those who would help you have been pushed too far away to extend a hand.