She loved him so much. Every day she would wait to hear the popping sound of her text alert, just to know he was thinking of her. When he called….he melted her heart. Not by what he said, but by the sound of his voice. Sometimes she’d play his voice mails just to hear him.

He seemed to like her, most of the time. Once in awhile he would say something that gave her hope. Hope that maybe he was losing his fear. Hope that maybe he was going to allow himself the luxury of loving someone. Once or twice he kissed her like he meant it. And stayed with it through the night. She was in ecstasy.

Then….the darkness came. He wanted her around….But he didn’t want to know her. He wanted her close by, but he needed to be taken care of, but not to take care of her. At all. In any way. She made up excuses. He’s in a bad place. His friend is sick. She did the best she could to bring him some happiness, even if it was only temporary. When she left she said, “I hope I helped your sadness.” He said, “I think you definitely did.” But her sadness lay hidden deep in her heart until she left, and drove down his road with tears running down her cheeks.

The next time….he called her and asked her if she still wanted to come. Of course she did. She wanted to be with him more than anything. She wanted his strong arms around her. She dreamed of another long passionate kiss. He sounded happy, he told her the door was unlocked to come on in if he wasn’t home, he had errands to run.

But then….he said he wanted to talk, and told her he was very annoyed with her……she tries to restrict him, he says. She is trying to tie him down and bind him up, he says. Why is she so jealous, he asks. Can he not look at other women? He doesn’t want to be in love, he doesn’t want a serious relationship, (after almost a year…..) He still loves his ex girlfriend, (who was brutal to him).

And in her heart she was asking, why does he want to look at other women? Why doesn’t he look at the one he has? She was done looking. She found exactly what she wanted. She thought.

It came to her….he’s just not that into her. He complains about her all the time now. He holds her at an arms length. Don’t get too close….. Once again…feeling rejected, feeling alone. No care, no concern. As if he wanted her to go. In the middle of the night, she lay next to him. Listening to him sleep, snore. She knew….the truth was smacking her in the face in the wee hours of the morning. She shook the bed with her sobs, trying to be soundless so she wouldn’t wake him. She wanted to disappear, to get dressed in the dark, and silence and get in her car and go home. But she knew she couldn’t do it with out waking him. In the morning, she sat down on the bed and looked at him. She said, “you were right last night. This isn’t going to work out for us.”

Terrified, she went on to say how miserable she was. How alone. How much she loved him and she knew he didn’t feel the same. And how she was tired of trying to make it happen, and tired of being ignored, and uncared for.

It spilled out of her, like someone had punched a hole in the dam. She believed his kiss those few weeks ago. She thought they were finally in a similar place. But now she knows they are not. That he is once again fearful and pushing her away. Breaking her heart again.

They talked around and around, nothing was accomplished. She packed her stuff and went home. She drove, numb. She didn’t cry. She didn’t think. She had had 2 cups of coffee. Nothing else. She’d been up most of the night. She didn’t stop for anything, she just sped home. Down I-95. Up Route 85 and Route2.

Her house was empty, gratefully. She unpacked her bag. Looking at the lingerie she’d bought for him. She put it away. Would she wear it again, she wondered abstractly. She didn’t look for an answer. She wasn’t thinking. She didn’t want to think. She didn’t want to give form to what was going on. She wanted it to go away. She wanted to be in his arms and be sure of how he felt. She wanted him to reach for her in the night. She wanted……

She wanted what wasn’t there. Broken heart, splattered across I-95 and Route 2. Pieces of it scattered on the beaches from Watch Hill to Matunuck. Dreams that need putting away. Tears that need drying. Hope that needs squelching.

But what of the love? In the end, it’s the only thing there is. And when all the rest is finished, the love will remain. Forever.