It’s the morning after.  Wasn’t there a song titled “The Morning After”?  It was the theme song to the first Poseidon Adventure?  Well, yeah, the ship sank last night for sure.

I did not sleep well, in fact not at all until about 4 AM.  S and I are apparently through, since he got so aggravated over my rethinking saying goodbye to A that he had to call me a “fucking pig” and block me from his phone. Pretty ridiculous, considering when I first told him that A wanted to see me he said, “What’s it going to hurt?  You parted on good terms, go say goodbye to the guy.”  Last night I got, “Good luck with the coffee guy, you deserve each other.”  I was like “what are you talking about?”

S knows how I feel about A.  That A is a very nice man, that he was crazy about me, but I couldn’t drum up the passion because I wanted S.  WTF, I kept asking S, WTF???

I just rethought saying goodbye because I started seeing how bitchy I was being to a guy who did nothing wrong except fall for the wrong woman.  I just didn’t want to be bitchy. I didn’t want that karma.  For God’s sake, I didn’t say I was gonna sleep with him. If he still wants to see me, then I’ll meet him somewhere or a drink or a cup of coffee and say goodbye.  Geezus.  That’ makes me a fucking pig, I guess.  whatever.

It’s so crazy that I can’t even address it, even if I could talk to S.  S has made it clear he only wanted me as a friend for the lasts few weeks.  He’s acting crazy.  I’ll probably get a box in the mail now, with all the gifts I gave him sent back to me.  And honestly, right now, I don’t really care.

I’ve had insanity in my life before.  I walked away.  I fell out of love with my ex because of his over the top reactions that had nothing to do with reality.  This morning, I think I will miss the good times with S, but the dream of what could have been has been destroyed.  By his temper, by his lack of care and concern, by his fucking the prison whore and turning my life inside out.  He’s gone over the top.  I was able to walk away on Sunday and come home, I can make the journey emotionally today.  I feel disconnected from him right now.

I think I’ll just stop dating until I can retire and move to Florida.  I think I’ve had my fill of men.  At least, some men.  I still believe there is a man somewhere who will appreciate a woman like me. I don’t want to grow old alone, but alone is better than living with chaos and insanity.

Peace out.