Meditation is part of my daily practice. I generally choose a thought, such as giving,healing, acceptance, gratitude…to focus on. Chosen by where I am at the time. If I can’t decide, gratitude is the default. It’s where I go when I don’t know where to go.
This morning I went to gratitude. Maybe not because I didn’t know where I was, but because I was truly grateful. I slept 9 hours last night. I woke to a beautiful sunny spring day, And I am not missing S. I think I finally see the truth about that relationship and can let go of my almost obsessive desire to have him love me, and to love him. It isn’t,wasn’t, healthy for me. It was really all about him, and what he wanted or didn’t want. I could like it or lump it. I guess I’m lumping it.
So I’m grateful that he blocked me.! It made me stop, look and listen. Maybe especially because the reason he chose was in such contrast to our difficulties of the last week. Here he was going back on the dating site, telling me how would he know if I was the one if he couldn’t see what other women were like. Then telling me he didn’t want a relationship, or think he ever wanted to love again.
I mean, really, cutting me loose. Trying to get me to back off. And then going off on me because I was rethinking saying goodbye to another man. Talk about contradiction!
At the same time, I was feeling bad not having answered A’s last text, for about a week. A didn’t deserve to be ignored, yet I was ignoring him because I was trying to keep S. happy. And I knew it was wrong to disrespect A, in the interest of keeping S happy. Finally, when S’s behavior told me loud and clear that I was fooling myself, that I had been cut off, yet again, from his affection for no good reason, I realized that was what I was doing to A, and decided that I would at least respond, and say goodbye to him.
I sent him a text, just clarifying something I’d said about me being easily pulled away from him, and told him I was grateful for his short presence in my life, and to let me know when he got back from TX. He responded, he’s not giving himself away to me, which is fine, but it was a positive, friendly response. I’m sure he’s wary of me, and that’s ok. I have no designs on him, I don’t want to start anything up, I just want to give him, and I guess myself, closure.
And oddly, seconds after I sent him the text, I get the text from S, saying “Good luck with coffee guy you fucking pig. You deserve each other.”
Which blindsided me. But really…the timing was weird. But S and I have always had a very non-verbal, energetic connection. I never said in my blog that I was gonna see A. Just that I was reconsidering it. As for deserving each other, well, perhaps we do, lol. We are both capable of love, and caring…..and kindness, and neither of us is afraid to be vulnerable.
But I don’t want A…maybe because he’s gonna move 2000 miles away shortly. Idk. I’m not physically attracted to him, really. IDK. When I was with him before, I was still so stuck on S. I’m not now, (at least at the moment) but I still don’t feel really attracted to A. But he’s a nice guy, could be a good friend only. No benefits, lol. I don’t, can’t do that. Much to S’s consternation, that’s what he wanted, was sex with no commitment from or to me. But that just demeans the beauty of sex, to lower it to something I can do with anyone, even if I don’t give a shit about them. UGH.
So, I’m grateful this morning, to continue to gain clarity on my life, on my relationships, on who I am, on what I want. Just grateful. It’s so odd, that I am grateful to S, for pulling himself from my life, so I could gain it. In my best Byron Katie voice I will say, “it’s supposed to be that way. How do I know? Because it is….”
learningtolivelikewaterblog.com 
This was an insightful eye opening read because it’s like you’re talking about me. “I think I finally see the truth about that relationship and can let go of my almost obsessive desire to have him love me…”. Why is it so hard for us to let go. It’s all about him and what he wants. We can’t abide that. That is why we can’t let go. Even when we’re clear we still wait for that sign of a heart beating. But I’ve learned to back off and let the dead silence speak volumes. I hope you’ll have a great day. x
You are so right!! I was waiting every single time for a heart beat! But now I I agree with you, let the dead silent speak. Like Evkhart Tolle says (and lots of other teachers) “Stillness Speaks”. You have a wonderful day too!
I am looking forward to the time that I too can feel free of this man I am addicted to. Again, its all on his terms and I want him so much I go along with it. see him when he wants me, ask no questions, send him texts and facebook messages and then watch and wait for days sometimes before he answers…. I hate myself sometimes….. what does it take to let go? I lasted two months without him but ended up going back again. I have never considered myself a stupid woman, until now! your posts and the comments give me hope that I can some day be free of him… love and light to you. Michelle
I think for me, it was a matter of 1) being able to see all the possibilities of the relationship. We had SO much in common, particularly a love of the sea. When we went to the ocean I knew we were both looking at it in the same way. 2) I kept thinking that when he did finally love me it would be the most amazing thing ever. I realize now I did that with my ex, who just continually raised the bar so I could never meet it. S did not do that, he just was afraid, so afraid that he refused to allow himself the vulnerability that’s a necessary part of loving someone.
What does it take? It’s always taken a “wall of fire” epiphany for me, where I can suddenly see through the haze. I hope you are able to find your way through the minefield. It’s a difficult path. 😗
Thank you for the advise and I know, intellectually, that you are right, just my stupid heart won’t believe it, maybe in time, Thanks again!
Hey, with my ex husband it took me 30 years!!! So I’m happy this time it’s only about a year! Lol. It will happen when it happens. Till then, love and light.
Thanks for the encouragement! I need it 😉 My lady friends are ready to shoot me for going back with him, yet again. so hard…
Well I’ve done that with S too many times and mine were the same way. Sometimes you feel crazy! Their hearts are in. A good place, they just don’t want to see us get hurt again (and again and again…..)
you’re right, I think I may be crazy!! Just had one friend tell me that she is sad at what I am doing, cares and loves me but said “you are on your own this time, don’t come crying to me when he breaks your heart again, my heart can’t take watching it happen>” and she is right, if the situation was reversed, I would tell her the same thing. Is it that I am really stupid or have other women just never experienced this indescribable love, this incredible physical connection so don’t know what they are asking me to do? I am confused and unhappy yet I sit here at my computer and keep checking my facebook messages to see if he has send me a message about whether or not he is coming to spend the night with me this weekend, so I put all my plans on hold and wait to hear from him… stupid!! But, thank you again for your comments, much appreciated especially coming from someone who really does understand what this is like. love to you. Michelle
I think it’s almost a co-dependency we have with them. I was doing the same thing, and I’m sue I won’t again. With S it was a physical but also very energetic connection, as shown by me getting the nasty text within seconds of me telling A I would see him. So many things like that made me think he and i were meant to be. I felt (and still feel) like we knew each other in a past life. But ok this will not be the life where we work out whatever it is we were supposed to be working out. Gotta let it go.
I feel like I knew him in another lifetime too, and so does he, we have a wild chemistry and an equally intense spiritual connection. he appears to be just the man I have been looking for just he won’t or can’t commit to me and goes and comes back and goes and comes back… he has done that four times since last September when I first met him. I don’t think he is a bad person, just messed up? oh well, I need to let it go, but can’t, not yet…
Omg. He’s S’s twin. Exactly. Sooooo scared of being vulnerable. I feel for S because of that, but I am realizing that I am powerless to change it. And I want more. I know I loved him well. I did the best I could. The rest is up to him. But now… I want to move on and actually share something with someone.
I hope I get to that point soon. I too what to share this life with someone, not be alone all the time waiting for him to make time for me… he is a musician and has this huge following of “fans” 99% of whom are women so… I trust him, I think but then again since we don’t have a “relationship” I guess he can do what he wants? when I read the things I have written here I am really wondering what the F is wrong with me!! and then I see him and it all melts away and I melt into his arms, etc… anyway, guess I could go on forever but I know that you understand, thanks for listening, love and peace to you! Michelle
Good luck Michelle! I think we’ll talk again!!