I heard his voice today.
He didn’t call.
I played an old voice mail
To remember what he sounded like.

I remembered his blue blue eyes.
I remembered him taking me to the beach
in winter.

How we pointed out the islands that we both knew,
far offshore.
We counted the boats,
Only a few.
Fishin’ boats, mostly. In the winter.

It was cold.
It was beautiful.
The vast blue sea,
And the blue blue sky.
Watching the waves roll up onto the sand.
Connected.

I remembered his arm around me then.
I remembered our flirting.
I remembered furtive glances around as we reached for each other.

Then I remembered the night before and that morning.
How he didn’t want me there.
How he didn’t want to even touch me.
Let alone kiss me.

How hard and cold those eyes became
As he told me how annoyed he was
That I was jealous.

“Do you want to eat the same thing for dinner every night?”
Those cold blue eyes asked me.
“When you bought a car, didn’t you test drive a lot of cars?”

I answered, without looking at him.
“I know what I want. I don’t have to go shopping for a man.
When I choose a meal off the menu, I don’t need to taste them all.”

He was telling me that he wanted to try lots of women.
He told me that 10 days before he fucked the prison whore.
And then he fucked her.

I remember how cold he was when he told me
He didn’t want a relationship.
He didn’t think he ever wanted to be in love again.

I put my head in my hands.
I couldn’t look at him.
Tears in my eyes….
Don’t let him see.

“I should just go.” I said.
“What good would that do?” He asked.

I couldn’t stay.
There was only pain in staying.

The cold steel blue eyes that didn’t look at me.
Or to me.
Or for me.
They ignored me.

Why should I stay?
Why would I stay?

I get it, now.
Sometimes he wants me…..
Sometimes I amuse him.
Sometimes I make him smile.

Most times I am a burden to him.
Because I care too much.
I want too much.
I dream too much.

So, I left.
I went home to my safe haven.
I remembered when he was here.
I remembered when I left his house
Only an hour ago.

I tried to forget the kiss.
I tried to forget as much as I could.
It won’t ever be the same again.

Now I know.
A few moments of bliss,
in exchange for weeks of uncertainty.
Sometimes downright pain.

I let go.
My fingers slipped out of his grasp,
Beyond his reach.
I let go.