(I have put up and trashed this post 3 times. I apologize if I have confused anyone.)
This weekend I have spent a lot of time alone. Except for a trip to the grocery store on Saturday, and a short visit from a family member on Sunday, until this afternoon I was alone. Since that is what happened, I guess that’s what was supposed to happen.
There was some ugly non–productive texting between S and I, and a phone call. There was a lot of rum and a lot of wine, as I struggled to deal with the reality of S and I.
S….is an enigma. He likes it that way, he likes people having to put together a 100,000 piece jigsaw puzzle to understand him. He texts me out of the blue, “If I were in your driveway right now, what would I see?” He asks me, point blank, hours later, “Did you fuck A today?” Knowing, good and well, I have no interest in A that way, that we are friends, nothing more. Just to cause chaos in my head, to stir the pot. He also knows that sex is an expression of love for me, that it is never for the sake of sex. I just can’t do that. Yet he would ask me that, and then pretend he was joking. Ha ha.
He doesn’t want what I want. It’s simple. I am ok with it. I am not sad, or crying. As I said yesterday, I want to honor myself. I want something different, I KNOW what I want. S does not, so he needs to go figure that out. When he does, maybe I’ll still be around if he’s interested then. Maybe I won’t. Maybe he’ll find someone else who is in alignment with what he wants. But this constant battle of wills to have our relationship blossom into something more than an afternoon on a 3 day weekend, (which was my dream) or to stay as a “nice afternoon” of sex ( his dream) is worn out on me. I’m not up for it any longer. He’s welcome to find someone who wants that. It’s just not me.
I wish he would just let it go. I don’t know why we keep going around and around. Circular conversations that go nowhere, nothing gets accomplished. I’ve dealt with them before, in a previous life. I don’t want to deal with them anymore.
I am leaving well enough alone. I don’t want to play a game with him. Or anyone for that matter. I’m 64 years old, I want to fall in love with a man who can grow with me, relate to me, wants what I want. I can really only deal with straightforward communication right now, at least from the people who are close to me. Of course, I’m not sure that circle includes him anymore. I don’t think we’re done quite yet, but I think the connection is thinning.
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I’m sorry to hear he’s treated you this way. You definitely deserve better than to be toyed with. Also for a grown man, that attitude is not on. You’ve suffered the shock of a loss recently, and you have a perspective on things. His behaviour just shows the absurdity of people’s choices sometimes. I hope you are doing better today.
Aww, thanks. I actually am fine today. Went out with my BFF and had a drink and some girl talk at her house for a couple hours. His choices are his. I don’t judge them, they are just different from mine. I hope he figures out what he wants and finds it. In the meantime, I may even sleep tonight. :-). Hope you are well and had a nice weekend.
It is all so hard, isn’t it.. changes by the moment. Had a long talk with him today, I’ll give you a call tomorrow, too exhausted tonight… love to you.
We talked, it went nowhere. Circular conversations, around and around. I don’t think he wants it to end, but he doesn’t want it to change. I can’t do it anymore. Love to you too. talk soon.
Round and round? Sounds like the merry go round….
Hugs…
Happiness (and true love) can be so illusive for some of us (me included) . Seems you are one step closer to finding it though — By knowing what you want and rejecting what you don’t want. Soon enough, by the careful process of selection you Will eventually be surrounded by the people who a Deserve to be in your circle — the people who will treat you with respect — the people who will love you sincerely — the one who will love you forever. You deserve that!