I didn’t stay afloat. I crashed and burned.  My “friend” with the serious health challenges set us up to fail.  Maybe he wanted me out of his life so he could deal with it alone, and not have to have me worrying about him. (As if I wouldn’t worry anyway.)  Maybe he just thought it was a joke, and didn’t realize how cruel he was being to me.

I spent the last 5 days worrying about his health issues. That’s all he would say.  He didn’t want to talk about them with me until he had specifics.  The reason that he told me that he had them at all was because I was trying to end it with him last week, and he used the symptoms to explain why he was treating me so badly.  It worked, I didn’t end it.  Instead, I did everything he asked me to do to help him keep his mind off of it, and to relax.  Including leaving him alone today.

Even though, leaving him alone today, was torture, because I knew he had seen a dr yesterday, and that he should have had some answers, and that he told me if the dr. called last night he had to go right to the hospital.  For some reason, he thought I wouldn’t care enough to be worried sick.  But I kept my mouth shut, I didn’t let him know how worried I was, I just kept things light, and gave him whatever he asked for.

Then late today, I heard from him, and I was so relieved.  I didn’t know if he’d gone to the hospital today, I didn’t know what shape he was in, I had no idea about anything.  I wanted to dance when I got a text from him. He made me believe he was coming over tonight.  I thought, finally, I might know something.  Finally, I could hold him, feel him, have  him with me so I knew he was safe even if it was just for one evening. I left work elated, imagining sitting on the deck talking.

But he didn’t come.  I waited and waited.  My stomach more in knots every second.  Would he really do this to me?  After making me wait all week, not sharing with me information that would allow me to at least know.  I mean, I am pretty strong.  I can deal with anything if I just know what I’m dealing with.  Finally, when I’d been waiting 45 minutes I texted him, knowing the answer but wanting to hear it from him.

He wasn’t coming.  He’d wanted to but he wasn’t.  And he wouldn’t even tell me he wasn’t.  He would have let me sit here all night wondering if he was in a car accident, or just playing a joke on me, or was trying to get rid of me.

I am gonna say….it was a passive aggressive move to get rid of me.  He can’t deal with how much I care for him, he’s used to dealing with stuff alone, and not having to worry about someone else’s feelings.  It’s about him, but I’m in it too, because I love him, because for whatever reason, he told me that he had some serious health issues.  And he has no respect for that, no care or concern for me, or my feelings, which are all about him.  Or, doesn’t want to have to respect, or feel care or concern for me.

Looking back through our communication, I thought it very telling that he said “I brought you in against my better judgment, because of your constant yammering. And now look, once again I am the bad guy for “hurting” you! WHAT ABOUT ME?” As I said, he brought me in to keep me from “dumping” him.  But what I wonder  is, how did I hurt him?  By doing what he asked?  By loving him unconditionally?  What about him?  He’s possibly sick, maybe very sick. But I did nothing to contribute to that. I did everything I could, everything I was asked to, to help him deal with it, which meant not asking, not being upset, leaving him alone. What about him???  I didn’t do anything to him. I never tried to make him believe something that wasn’t true, let alone refuse to apologize for it.  What about him indeed. 

Whatever. He’s used to being alone, not having anyone else who gives a real shit.  And that includes the past women in his life, as far as I’m concerned.  But at any rate….

We couldn’t get through it together.  We couldn’t even talk on the phone.  I wrote something, and sent it to him, trying to explain why I sat here crying for an hour or two.  We just couldn’t do it together.  We can’t do anything together.

I love him, but I have to walk away.  The relationship had gone purely physical anyway, that’s why I was trying to end it last week.  His words tonight were, that it was a good idea for me to be gone.  That he loved fucking me, but hated my temper.  That’s about as far from what I want as I can imagine.

So…we crashed and burned.  I tried, I have no regrets.  I hope he works through his health issues.  I really do.  It will be hard not knowing.  But we agreed to leave each other alone and that’s for the best.

Gonna sell my house and start over in Florida.  Better luck next time.