After I posted my last three blogs yesterday I heard from S via text.  His normal greeting, kind of joking, kidding, laden with sexual innuendo.  I am used to it, but I didn’t play along.  I was not unfriendly, I just don’t want to go there.  Then apparently he read all the blogs while we texted. Or, more correctly while we stopped texting.  When I heard from him again, he was upset over the blogs, tho would give me no specifics.

I told him I wished he would stop reading them.  That his reading them makes me feel like I need to censure what I say for his benefit.  But I don’t..I won’t.  I need to write what is on my mind without fear of repercussion, it is my way of working through things.  But him reading the blogs, and my feelings on our difficult relationship, has caused so many problems.

I got silence.  He did not respond to me.  I knew he was angry.  I re-read them quickly, but really didn’t think they were offensive.  Maybe the reblog of “Exhausted” could be perceived that way.  Had the tables been turned I would have asked questions, but that’s not his way.

He said, “I am gone.”  I said, “Ok, Love always.”

I was not upset.  He has been gone from this relationship in any real way for a long time, and I have accepted that, and given up any expectation that he would ever care for me in the way I did for him.  And I have also become clear in my own head that I don’t want any part of the push pull game that goes on endlessly between us.  Pulling me to him til he has me, then pushing me away til I am gone. Repeat and repeat ad infinitum.

I guess he made the same decision that I did, that this relationship doesn’t work.  But I don’t know, will never know his real reasons for saying he was gone.  I have been pretty gone since the 4 day silence a week ago. That was the ultimate push me phase, and it sent me far from him.  The conversation this weekend was the beginning of the pull me back to him phase, but it wasn’t happening for me.  I don’t know if he thought it was.

I know very little about his thoughts, he does not share them.  This blog is about my feelings, it is about what I see in our relationship.  It is, because it’s my blog, my viewpoint.  I know he sees things differently, but I don’t know much about his viewpoint.  It’s ok, it’s exhausting to have to wrap my head around him and try to make sense of what he wants when he keeps his silence and his emotional distance from me. I can’t do it any more, and apparently neither can he.

It’s all good.  I am fine.  I accepted the end when I was panic stricken over his health and realized he went to New Jersey and was actually refusing to ease my mind. If truth be told, I was at the end the week before, when I was trying to end it, because I was so unhappy, and the health issues came up, only telling me so I wouldn’t leave him.  It was manipulative to do that, it was cruel to leave me hanging.

I loved him well, I will always love him.  I just accept fully that we are not meant to be.  It was fun for awhile, but it’s not any more.  I needed the relationship to evolve.  It was de-volving in my view.  I think we are at the end here this time.