The gongs last night carried me to a different level of existence where only I lived, deep in the center of my soul.  Not lovers. Not friends. Not family.  I asked for peace in the present moment for myself.  For the absence of longing, the absence of missing, the absence of wanting more., the absence of wishing for things to be different.

I purposefully felt gratitude for my many blessings. As the gong tsunami washed over me for the third time, I was at peace with the present moment.

I talked to S when I got home.  I hoped to make plans to go to the beach Sunday. To maybe come to his house tonight, laden with food.  He said he has to work today, maybe tomorrow.  That he was dog sitting his son’s dog.  But he wouldn’t make plans, not even contingency plans around the possibility that he may have to work tomorrow.

He told me he has another book he’d like me to read (this will be the third, and I’m not done with the other two yet.) He told me of a song he would like me to look up on Youtube and listen to.  He is attempting to help me know who he is. I think I know…but followed his lead.

If you follow my blog, you know that I have been trying to stay in the moment, and live as I described in the first paragraph here.  I have no expectations of my relationship with S, just that we would enjoy each others company.  I have stipulated with him though, that I am good with that, as long as he doesn’t want other women.  He has, in the past, often told me he doesn’t want anyone else.

Last night he said that he’d like to think he could date other women if he wanted to. He wasn’t saying he wanted to, only that he wanted the freedom to do it, if he so choose.

What I feel now, is (and I think that statement about other women makes it obvious)…he’s beginning to pull away again.  I am enough in the moment, that it does not hurt me.  But I think I want to let him go.  I don’t want to extend a thread for him to reel himself back in on.  I love him, I do. But I can’t do this.  He knows other women is a deal breaker for me.  That I won’t be one of many, part of any man’s harem of women. And while he’s not actually asked me to do that, that the thought has entered his mind tells me where we are headed. We can’t make plans, we have not seen each other all week.  I made a point not to pressure him all week, and to just have fun with him in our communication all week.

I thought that’s what he wanted, and I know that staying in the moment without expectations is good, so it was a good exercise for me, something I will continue to do.

I also do not want, under any circumstances, to play push pull.  Last week we pulled together.  Now he is pushing me away.

This is far far from his wish that we just have fun together.

I need to say goodbye to him, before my heart is broken again.  He tells me so often I always want more, that I am never satisfied with what he gives me.  I think it is he who wants more.  He wants me nearby, but to have the freedom to wander where he feels led, even if it’s to the bed of another woman.

Not going there.  I can’t.

It’s like I said last Sunday, I love him. But it will never turn out the way I dreamed of.  No matter how I downsize the dream, he always wants less of me.

I sent him a text in the middle of the night, because of course I couldn’t sleep til about 3 am.  I knew he was asleep and would see it when he woke, and also that it would most likely make him mad.  So be it.  I told him if he was serious when he said that, that we need to say goodbye…..

This game tires me. I am withdrawing.   Retreating to the safety of a circle of friends who won’t play this with me. It was a good week, I learned a lot about staying in the moment.  This week, I’m not sure yet, I think the lesson might be about letting go of attachment.