I swear, next time I want to believe that maybe S cares for me, I hope someone slaps me upside the head.  Hard.  All week, and particularly today, based on our flirty conversations via text, I thought we were gonna spend some real time together this weekend.  Flirty, intimate conversation.

I thought, because he had asked me if I had plans for this evening, followed by a big smiley face, that I’d see him tonight and tomorrow.  Why?  Because I have told him, unequivocally, that I don’t want want to be together for the just the night.  If he doesn’t want to spend the day with me like he did all winter, don’t bother.

Well, I heard from him at 2:30, kept waiting for directives about tonight/this weekend, because when I make plans he tells me I am pushing.  I didn’t hear from him again until about 7:30.  5 hours, I was waiting to figure out what I am doing this weekend.  He’s been so sick, but he felt well enough to go to a car show.  A car show.  He said he wanted to test how he felt walking around.  See if he got dizzy, and nauseous   Bullshit.  He wanted to go to the car show.  And I wasn’t important enough in his life for him to tell me. He knew I’d be sitting there waiting, like some fucking fool.  Must have had a good laugh at my expense.  Filled that empty space called an ego right up with my fucking adoration.

He said, when I heard from him at 7:30, that he wanted to drive up here to talk, but that even if he ended up spending the night, he’d leave in the morning.  I told him don’t bother.  Not interested in sleeping with someone who doesn’t want to spend any other time with me.

All fucking winter I dreamed about going to the beach with him, spending a great day, coming home, spending a lovely night with him.  All fucking winter.  It’s August.  Hasn’t happened yet.

Saturday he has stuff to do.  Oh and like that’s special.  No one who owns a house and works has anything to do on the weekend.  No just S, he’s so special. Sunday he likes to keep for “himself”.  So guess what?  He can’t fit me into his busy life.  Well, guess what else, I could, fit him in.  But I no longer want to.  I’ll find someone who has time for me outside of the bedroom.  Feel like a stupid idiotic teenager who bought a bunch of empty promises in exchange for her virginity.

Cut me to the chase.  Blindsided.  Broken.  Bruised. Beat.  How many times do I have to repeat myself?  It’s not what I want. If you don’t want a relationship with me that involves doing things together, spending time together not in bed,I’m not your woman.  Geezus.  I am so sick of allowing myself to get sucked in again.  I’m an idiot.

He told me the reason he doesn’t want to be in a relationship is not because he doesn’t want to be with me but that he wants to be free.  Then GO.  Be free S.  That doesn’t mean having me in the background to deal with you when you’re horny. You need to get laid? Go find a prison whore.

Be free.  I’ll be free.  I’ll find someone who wants me, for me, who wants to love me, who loves what I have to offer.  Who won’t take someone’s precious love for them and treat it like it’s a hamburger from MickeyD’s.

Be free.  Be dark.  Be whatever the fuck you want S.  But you won’t be in my heart.  Not any more.  I’m gonna somehow forget I loved you, and wanted to be part of your life.  And I won’t look back.

The psychic told me when I close the wrong doors, the right ones will open.  I’m all about closing the doors.  The S door is now officially closed.