Warning:  This is a little raw.  I’m apologizing up front, but I need to get it out of my head and into the universe, where it will be righted and atoned by the greater consciousness of which we are all part.

Lord I was so pissed off today.  So angry.  Angry at S, more at myself.  At S, because he is who he is.  He’s selfish, self centered, self absorbed, narcissistic  So yeah, I’m mad at him because it was always all about him  I always knew that.  But suddenly, it pisses me off beyond reason.

Mostly, I am furious with myself beyond measure.  He should have been gone with the prison whore.  Why why why???? did I allow him back in my life?  Back then, I went through all the grief, all the tears, that come from loving and trusting someone who would go out and fuck a stranger.  And why did he even tell me, if he was never gonna do it again?  To hurt me, that’s why.  Because no good was going to come out of it, but he didn’t need to tell me, unless he was gonna do it again and again.

But no I let him back in.  I gave A the boot, when A had shown up in my life simultaneously with the prison whore, and A made me feel beautiful, and valuable, and precious, and loved…  WTF was I thinking???  A STILL makes me feel that way, every day when we talk, or text.  The fact that I sent him away, and acted like an ass, and hurt him, did not change how he felt about me.  If he wasn’t on the road constantly, by his choice, “seeing America”, satisfying his wanderlust, who knows what could develop.  As it is, we are close friends.  I’m beginning to hope his travels bring him back this way sometime.

S once asked me why I would be with him, just because “he loves you.”  As if it was nothing to be loved!!!  Geezus.  Oh no, S.  Much better to have someone fuck you and feel nothing for you, not want to spend a minute with you unless you’re in bed.  Who’s there for their own satisfaction, and could care less about yours.  Much nicer to be in love with someone who doesn’t want you in their life, doesn’t want their kids to know about you, or their friends.  Who wants you to be their fucking secret.  Literally.

And this is why I’m furious with myself.  WHY did I think ANY of this was ok?  WHY did I think so little of myself?

I slid right into the mold my ex “groomed” me for all those years.  The “be used and abused” mold.  He abused me beyond compare.  S used me beyond compare.  Twins from different mothers.

Don’t worry.  I will stop beating myself up about this.  But not until the lesson is ingrained into my psyche enough that I will never ever allow a man to use me again.

Saturday night when I woke with the stomach ache, and I threw up one time and it was over, I felt fine the rest of the night, I couldn’t figure out what caused it.  I ate the exact same things my son did, all day, except we ordered different food at the restaurant, but it was well cooked, hot, the plates were so hot you couldn’t touch them.  I had a drink that my son didn’t have at home but just one.  Today, a friend at work said “maybe it has to do with S”…

And I thought about it…the emotional component of vomiting according to Louise Hay in You Can Heal Your Life, is “violent rejection of ideas.”  Yep, that about covers it.  I violently reject the idea of having sex with someone I don’t care about or who doesn’t care about me.  I violently object to a man coming to my house to fuck me like a common whore. All the anger I was trying not to release because I was afraid I’d never stop screaming, came violently out of me in the middle of the night, 24 hours after.

I guess the anger will come and go.  Like it did with the prison whore.  But I won’t be caught in that web again.  If I never talk to him, never see him, never hear his voice, it will be too soon.