Today has been a hard day, so far. I’m incredibly busy at work trying to prepare to be gone a week. My boss keeps coming up with additional tasks to be finished before I go. Stressed. Seriously. 

A is keeping a running conversation via text. As usual he begins to jump too far into the future.  Asking me about coming to see him next summer. It irritates me yet I don’t want to offend him. I just pull back. I like him, love many things about him. Mostly how he makes me feel and it’s nice that he thinks he’ll want to see me next summer. But I am not in that place. I enjoy his company, his friendship, his desire for intimacy. But I have other things that I need to deal with as well, and I don’t want to bring them up to him, I keep hoping he’ll figure out that I was “with” S for more than a year and it is a process to let go, not finished yet.  And A will always be a long ways away, even if we visit. It will still and always be a long distance friendship. Unable to develop into more. 

And it’s hard because S has been on my mind a lot today. Remembering the things about him I loved, trying to juxtapose them against the reality that we are day and night, never to be more than passing by each other. Today I find myself wishing it wasn’t so, but it is. And I know it. So I just sit with it, and make no move to undo what has been done. 

Hard day. I hope by tonight it’s gotten easier.