I’m having a bad day.  I made a little peace with S, and an hour later was sobbing because he’s with Betty Boop.  I can’t seem to stay with it.  I suppose time will heal, or give me distance and perspective, and I’ll still have a friend.  But right now, I am continually falling apart.

When he did the prison whore, at least I could call him, talk to him when I was like this. I could hear his voice, I knew it was a one time thing and he had no feeling for her at all. Right now I’m on my own, and I know he is in love with her, and I’m so jealous, I tried so hard to get him to love me.  I can hardly stand it.

Anyone who has been through this, please tell me how to accept what your heart just refuses to.

On top of this, my damn cat brought a small garter snake in the house.  I screamed, she dropped it, it’s apparently taken up residence under my sectional so I can’t see it, and even if I could I am terrified of it.  OMG.  Ii have no idea what to do and it’s in my HOUSE.

Then I went to the liquor store to get some wine because I’m out, and it wouldn’t accept my debit card for debit or credit.  I called the bank, and all my $ is in there so IDK what is up, but I had to then put the wine and the groceries I bought on a credit card.

Geezus when the day goes bad it goes bad.

I just called my BFF and talked to her.  I couldn’t talk to her yesterday, she wasn’t home, I didn’t want to ruin her day, nor could I listen to what she had to say yesterday.  But I talked to her today, ready to hear her.  She has been telling me for 18 months (the whole relationship) that my relationship with S was unhealthy, that it was not serving me, because we had a hard time from the very beginning.  She is so wonderful, she makes me see myself, and see what’s going on with clear eyes.  She hates seeing me hurt, and he’s hurt me so many times.  She’s so right about so much.  She even realized, without me saying it, that I loved him because he made me laugh, and I lived without laughter in my marriage for so many years.  Also, that S was non-judgmental, he didn’t make me feel bad about myself.  And that again, was the opposite of the man I was married to.  These things were so important to me, that I looked past his anger, his lashing out at me, his name calling.

I mean, look at me, even here.  Trying to make out like his fucking the prison whore last winter was not so bad….  Geezus.  Who the hell am I?  Sometimes I don’t know myself.

And I feel so much better, if, for no other reason, that I have such good friends, who will help me, and speak the truth.  And do it with love in their heart.

Which, I gotta admit, S had none for me when he told me Friday night.  It was all about his happiness, none about my hurt or pain.  Until later when he realized how hurt I was, but even then, he wanted me to be happy for him.  Which I will never be, but he knows that now.  And he knows why, it is not just reasons that self serve me.

My BFF gave me strength, and I think I’ll be ok now, for awhile.  And if I get weak, she promised if I call her she will talk me down again.

Blessed.  Grateful.  For people who have the ability to love without condition.