I still have a snake in the house.  Really.  Maybe metaphorically too.  IDK.

I had such a hard day until I talked to my BFF.  Thank God for her.  I went out for a drink and a bit to eat tonight, with a girlfriend.  I am spending way too much on that this weekend, but I need to be out of the house, I need to be around people.  I need to be where S and I never were, I need to let all that old stuff slide away into the far reaches of my memory.

We went to a place about a mile and a half from my house.  It is lovely, it is on the lake in town, outdoors, with a musician, sometimes a band.  Tonight it was one guy singing lots of 70’s music with an acousitc guitar.  Bob Dylan, Neil Young, my music.  It was nice.  The place is notorious for bad service though, lol.  Get a menu and maybe 15 min later they come back to take your order.  Empty your wine glass, and it takes 20 minutes for someone to notice.  We laugh about it now.  We time them.  LOL.

Friends with S.  Friends?  I would like to say I can.  I thought this morning, I could.  But I thought that because I wanted to keep him in my life.  He’s not in my life, it’s a delusion I have, that I had.  He’s in her life.  Not mine.  I think I need to not talk to him, even if he tries to text me or message me.  Or call me.  Our paths have diverged.  I need to get over it, and get far enough down that path that I don’t look back and think, well maybe we could have walked together for a little longer.

He chose, not me.  I didn’t want this, but he always did.  I haven’t heard from him all day, it’s like having an appendage cut off, and thinking it’s still there.  Then you look down, and OMG, you don’t have that arm any more.  Why are you feeling it so intensely?

He and I were close.  We talked all the time, we shared a lot.  When I began to see A, 3 weeks after he fucked the prison whore, he felt upset, that I so quickly left him and went to A.  “You didn’t even take any time to get over me.” is what he said to me.  This week, I hadn’t talked to him for 5 days.  5 Fucking days, and he had already chosen her, talked to her for 3 days, and left me there, blowing in the wind, wondering what had just hit me.  I didn’t get a call, “Deb, she called me out of the blue, i don’t know what to do, can we talk about this?”

No I got a call, “You know Betty Boop, my ex?  Well she’s back in my life.”

I suppose that he will say it’s because I was blogging about how over him I was, because he was such an asshole last weekend.  Well, he was.  A total asshole.  But he knew better.  It was not our first trip around that block.  He knew all he had to do was ask me to talk, ask if I was ok, ask me anything.  Like he did every other time.  I assume she called him at about the same time he would have contacted me.  3 days before Friday, would have been Tuesday or Wednesday.  He was talking to her instead of resolving Sunday with me.  I need to just walk away.  I need to not invest any more of my love and care in trying to salvage a teeny bit of what I wanted.    I’m not sure I can do that effectively, but it’s what I should do.  Gonna work toward it.

One of my friends asked me, “What would you get out of talking to him?”  Nothing.

“That’s right. And it would just make the breaking it off harder.”

And she was right.  To talk to him just prolongs the inevitable.  I don’t know why he would want to keep me as a friend.  Our biggest compatibility was physical, and if we don’t have that, what do we have?  OK, there was more. A lot more. Long talks on the deck, in bed, walks on the beach, hours in his car driving. Talks over coffee in the morning. Breakfast in Ashaway.  East Beach.

But nothing, really.  At least, not in the context of “we”.   “We” never were.  Except in my imagination. All of that I loved.  We’d go on an excursion.  Come back to his house, make love, take a nap.  I’d drive home, usually crying, because I loved being with him so much that I hated to go.

I was kind of looking forward to him visiting me in Florida after I move.  He seemed to like the idea too.  A guy who hated to make plans, talked about it quite a bit.  I would say, lets wait and see where we are next summer.  I said, we might not be together, we may want to be together all the time.

Guess I got an answer to that.  Today I though, what if he’d come?  What if he lost it with me over something stupid?  We’ve never spent more than 24 hours together.    A week or two?  Oh well, it doesn’t matter now.  Not gonna happen now.

Well, the silver lining is, I can’t eat.  I mean, I have been forcing food down, a few times a day.  But I’ve lost 3 lbs since Friday night.  Today I was going to the grocery store around noon.  I stopped by Mickey D’s on the way for coffee.  I realized my stomach was growling, so I got a McDouble (small double cheeseburger, off the $1 menu).  I ate half of it and walked around the store wondering if I was going to throw up.  Food is not working for me.

I wanted to lose 10 lbs before my nieces wedding next month.  I’m well on my way, that’s a cool thing.  I am currently at the lowest weight I’ve been in 15 years, at least.  Silver lining.

So anyway, I am gonna stop drinking wine until this is all behind me.  Because, even one glass sends me where I don’t want to go.  Last night I was a complete basket case  Tonight ”m ahead of that, but still, not ready to let go.  What I’m holding onto is gone.  I’m fighting reality.  It’s gone.  It’s over, and I need to stop standing on the corner measuring the skid marks.

I’m way better than last night.  I have taken some tentative steps down the path.

If I just could say, I don’t love him anymore.  Life would be so much easier.

Fuck I am sick of this being so hard.  Fuck.