I got some clarity today, not writing all day. This will be short….because it’s not all sorted out in my head yet.   But I saw S.  I saw him because I needed to, and he responded by driving the hour to my house with a very pained back.  We talked, and honestly, I am ashamed of many of the things I wrote here in anger.  Many of them were me, taking things in a 180% different way than they were meant.  It is both of us….but I am taking ownership of my issues.

I have had so much fear of his ex girlfriend, that I freaked out. Perhaps they were understandable fears, whatever,.  But I let them override my ability to reason, and logic, and my trust and love for S.  Poor communication on both our sides, maybe mainly mine….but both of us.

Things as not as I feared.  He is not with her.  He has not been.  I don’t think he will be.  I don’t think that is actually in the equation.  I have some serious trust and anger issues to work out, from a lifetime of abuse.  So that is going to be my focus, for awhile.  Not going to be writing so much, especially not writing and venting my own pain here, which I hadn’t really vetted.

I am sorry, even though he tells me not to be.  He’s not angry, but he doesn’t know why I jump to the wrong conclusions so much of the time.  And I did…because of my fear of losing him to her.  He understands that now….a little bit, anyway.  He says it’s unnecessary, and foolish, but he knows where it comes from , I think.  At least, somewhat.

I love this outside-the-box, funny (OMG, he made me laugh so hard tonight) smart, intelligent man.  I want him in my life.  I don’t think I f’d it up irreparably.

Can I say, please disregard every ugly thing I said, because it was mostly projection of my ego.  Can I say, he’s a good man, and the blog I wrote called The Story in His Eyes, is much more accurate than anything I’ve said over the last 10 days.  The happiness that was all he ever wanted was mine.