The wave of healing passed pretty fast.  Left alone, to my own devices, I skipped the anger phase, and went directly to hurt.  To pain. To pain so raw that I expected blood to leak out my pores.

Don’t ask me why I love a man like him.  Don’t ask, because there is no answer.  I believe there is a soul connection there.  I think, that my place in his life was so at the end of his life, he would know that someone really loved him unconditionally, without limit, without reason.  Just because.  Maybe not even the end of his life.  Maybe when he is in a really dark place, which he visits regularly, he will know he is worthy of it, and it might lift him.  He will know, and that’s a big thing, when you’ve spent your whole life not believing you deserve it.

Having a glass of wine.  Waiting for my son and his friend to come home, and eat.  I tried doing a long meditation, to relax, but I started crying so I gave it up.  I’m tired, I’m pretty sure with the help of an Ambien I will get a good night’s sleep tonight.

All day, I had to chase away the thought that she was there, with him, doing what I was supposed to be doing.  Having coffee in the morning, going to breakfast, going to see the big waves maybe.  Maybe sleeping in…I have to chase those thoughts away. If that’s what he wants, I have to accept it.

I have to let it go.  I have to.  I wrote a poem to S, for closure.  It was personal, it won’t be published, I sent it to him, email.  I asked him not to contact me, because I need distance and time.  I need to forget him, to put away our relationship.  As much as he hates being told what to do, I hope he will do as I ask.

At least now, if I cry which I have been doing for awhile now, I feel like it’s release.  Not panic.  Just pain. Pain will run it’s course, at some point I will have cried it out and begin to climb my way back up.  At least I have come to some terms with it.

I know why he didn’t choose me.  I know why he couldn’t understand or appreciate the way I loved him.  I will never understand why he played me all week, but I think it is his weakness, his fear, his inability to put the truth on the table, and know that because it’s the truth, what is supposed to happen, will happen.  He has no trust.  Not in me, not in himself.  He stuck with what he knows.

He asked me why I kept giving  him one more try.  It is a fair question.  But I did, because we talked about the issues.  We always came to terms.  Or so I thought.  He told me at one point, that it was all lust.  But I know that’s a lie.  I know he said it, as an excuse for the absolutely horrible way he told me yesterday, and treated me.  If I was the one he texted at 4 am…..he cares more than he wants to admit.  He just wasn’t comfortable with me.  I loved him beyond reason, beyond limit.  He didn’t believe it was real.

I get it.  I do.

I get that he couldn’t deal with me.  I get that he reverted to what he knows.  We all do, until we get past the fear.  I have worked at that, for years.  I wasn’t afraid to love him that way, because I can trust my gut, I can trust the universe, and I am not afraid to be vulnerable.  There is no creativity without vulnerability.  We cannot grow if we cannot be vulnerable.  So, I wasn’t afraid.

Lack of fear can be perceived as weakness.  But it’s just courage, it’s whole hearted courage to follow your gut.  I’m not blowing my own horn, just sayin’, that’s the difference between us.  I don’t fear it.  He does.  I get it, it’s ok.

Do I think this story is true?  Yes.  I do.  Because it ties all the loose ends, it makes sense.  It doesn’t make me feel stupid for loving him, and it offers some compassion for a man who has had a hard life.  I’m not jealous of her, she is in the same place as him, as far as I can see, based on the history that I know.  They can relate their life stories. He and I could not.

But I thought that the love I felt would carry us.  It will not, but it’s there.  It’s his to keep.  Maybe someday it will serve him, to know he has it.

Healing, It’s all about healing, all the time.