I am at lunch, in my car, next to the water at a cove on the Connecticut River.  Thinking about things.

Last night after book club I began to write and what started as a blog ended as kind of an open letter to S. I couldn’t publish it, too personal, too raw. But I know he reads (or at least used to) my blogs so was using it to talk to him. 

I decided to just copy and paste it into an email. I wanted no response, no discussion. It was my perspective, and I wanted to tell him some things that would lead me to be able to forgive. I don’t want him to undo this work with a temper, or me having to explain it. I’m the injured party here. I’m gonna do what I need to. 

He honored my request, with only asking a clarification of something which I gave him, and now I have slipped back into hiding. I reminded him that if he had anything to say email and voice mail were available. 

So it worked, for me. I have felt stronger today. Not so teary. Still kind of nauseous. Last night at book club my friend offered me some wine. I couldn’t, I told her. I’m carrying it all in my solar plexus (where we store our emotions) and my sacral ( where our creativity and sexuality is stored).  I was afraid I’d throw up if I drank it. 

Today…better. I am happy that the “S” diet is working. I’m down about 4 lbs in the days since Saturday. That’s about a total of 15 since June. It’s about half my goal of 30. And I can actually see a difference. One silver lining. 

Reading Rising Strong is a great thing for me. Happily, I was doing the right things before I bought it. 

Plus A is still beside me energetically. Checking that I’m ok, that I’m calm. My blood sugar has been somewhat high, but that happens under stress. And I’m sure my BP has climbed up there too. But both things are temporary. It’s why I needed to start the forgiveness process, before the grieving one kills me.  

Been here before. But this actually is not as hard. It doesn’t involve my sons safety. Nor my ability to survive financially. 

Every day better, is all I’m asking now. A little at a time will get me there.