I had a wonderful time with my friends tonight.  We sat around the bonfire with drinks, and talked and laughed, it was a beautiful night, stars out, clear, cool but not cold.  Perfect.

But as I got tired, I began to struggle, knowing that he was with the bimbo, that all the love I lavished on him was for nothing.  Yes, he’s an ass, he’s a prick, he’s cruel, and I still love him.  I thought about when he went to see his sister and was struggling and the 2 blogs I wrote while he was there, just to let him know I was with him, that I loved him, that he wasn’t alone.  I thought about the night before he went for surgery when I drove to him, to spend the night, to love him, and be there for him.  And I think, this bitch left him when she thought he was dying.  And what did I get…

I got him leaving me by blindsiding me with a text, like a child.  Like an adolescent.  And the bitch, who hurt him more than I could ever dream about, is the one he wants.

There’s something really sick about that.

I don’t want to be with him, or see him, or hear from him, it will only add to the pain that I deal with tonight.  But I do love him.  I miss him.  Though why I have no idea.  He went out of his way for me once, when he came up to see me after Betty Boop showed up, and he got in the car with a back that rendered him barely able to move and drove the hour to my house because I was losing it.  That was it. That was the only time he ever went out of his way for me.

Mostly, he just took.  Took my love, took my heart, took all the emotion I could drum up, all the passion I could ever offer.

And last week, he sends me a text to tell me he’s gonna be with her.  After setting me up for the kill.  After taking and taking, and making me believe that he’d give back something that weekend. Oh yeah, he gave me plenty.  More heartache than I ever dreamed possible.  Evil.  Sick.

He thinks it’s ok, because he told me he was bad, evil, that he would hurt me.  So, if you tell someone you are going to break their leg, and then you break it, it’s ok because you told them you would?  What kind of rationale is that?  I was dumb,and foolish, and in love.  He was just….evil. Just mean.  Just cruel.

I don’t know why I ever loved him, or why I love him at this moment.  I wish things were different.   But I can’t contact him, I can’t unblock him, I need to get through this so that tomorrow when I wake up without him I’ll be ok.

I think I left the voice mail and email open to him, because I thought at some point, he will feel bad for what he did to me.  At some point maybe he’ll say, “I know I was a shit to you.  I know you didn’t deserve what I gave you.  I’m so sorry that I caused you so much pain.  I know you loved me better than anyone else ever has, or ever will.  And I know I’m stupid for not wanting it.”

Just some recognition that I existed in that relationship.  But there was none.  He has not one ounce of remorse, except that he might miss me.  Meanwhile, what I feel doesn’t matter to him, not one little iota.  There is no apology for devastating me.  No apology for blindsiding me.  Nothing.

In the meantime, I am living my life as best I can.  I imagine putting a note on her car windshield while she sleeps with him, telling her it was me he thought of that morning, and the night before.  I imagine giving her a link to my blog somehow. I imagine sending his daughter a FB message telling her that her father is with the bimbo again, because the daughter hates her, and it will ruin his relationship with her. I imagine hurting him, the way he hurts me.  But I won’t do any of it.  I have to let go of all of it, just put it behind me, let it play out as it will. Let it go so it’s like I never knew him, like I never loved him.  Like he’s dead. Like he never existed.

I will get over him.  I will find someone who can love me, and wants what I have to offer, that will make me forget about him.  Just not tonight.  Not now.  Not yet.  Tonight my wounds are bleeding again.