S responded to me at midnight last night.  Except, it was a non-response.  No mention of the cruel and juvenile way he told me about Betty Boop.  Instead he has chosen to make a battle of texting vs. talking.  I’m not talking, and since he can’t address my questions about why he did what he did, or own it, I don’t need any more information.  Not going to get into a battle over how we are going to communicate, for God’s sake.  The fact that I am, after what he did, is far enough for me to go.

I won’t play a game with him about this.  His first  two texts, which he said he wouldn’t do, were angry.  He says they weren’t, but he was swearing.  Again…he wants to argue over this.  I do not.  I only want to know he owns what he does, and the consequences of that.  Anything else is frivolous, really.  He has made his choice about who he wants in his life.  And I would never trust him again, so there’s not much to talk about.

He can ease my pain if he chooses, by owning up to what he did, but really…he doesn’t have to now.  His refusal tells me where he’s at.  He’ll say he has not refused, only refused to text.  Whatever.  I refuse to talk to him, I am the one bleeding and I don’t want to give up the layer of protection that texting vs. talking gives me. If he can’t respect that, and understand it, then so be it. Again, enough of an answer, to have him demand I talk to him.

I don’t have an answer about why he was so cruel, nor has he owned the fact that he is, and I’m done asking  for either.  I am fine this morning, with a greater understanding of why he chose her (in great part because I won’t let things go until they are resolved.  There is no lump under my carpet to trip on) and the realization that I really hate these endless circular conversations that never accomplish anything.  Either way, answer or not, it helps to pave the road to letting go, and moving on.

As I said yesterday, I know I broke the rule of NC yesterday, but it gave me clarity and helped my healing get off of the stuck place it was.  So I’m glad I followed my heart, and got the information that will help me let go.  It’s all good.