I’m in Virginia in the loving arms of my big sister.  Her home looks like a castle, that’s what we call it.  Maybe I’ll put up some pictures.  We have been busy with wedding preparations since I got here, with a short stop to get a manicure, which was fun. It’s not something i ever do for myself, and was a treat.

The flight down here was lovely. We flew over Long Island Sound and I could clearly see my favorite old boating haunts, Shelter Island, Sag Harbor, Plum Gut. And the vast ocean beyond. Being over it was a lot like being on it. The site of it was calming.

I was reading my Brene Brown book and she got me thinking about people doing the best they can at the time.  I think S did that…he just doesn’t have the tools to know how to end it with me any differently than he did.  He didn’t mean to hurt me so much.

Not saying what he did was right. It was cruel and mean. But he just doesn’t know better.  He did the best he could.

Like Maya Angelou says, “When we know better we do better. ”

And because I know that, I can then say that I don’t want a relationship with him, his level of consciousness allows things that are abhorrent to me.

But I don’t judge him and his choices. Who am I to judge?  He’s had a difficult life from the day he was born.  I was blessed to have a family whose underlying basis has always been love. My sisters and I took that for granted.

I think in choosing a partner, we need to find people whose experiences or desires at least match what we offer and who we are. In that way S and I were never a match. I ran from one dysfunctional relationship and into another. Thinking that we’d both been abused, we’d understand each other. But it wasn’t so.

While I understood him well I think, he could not understand me. I’m guessing Betty Boop had a pretty checkered past, and he can relate to that. Though I still don’t get that whole thing…why anyone would want to be with someone from whom they had to hide themselves, snd really had no communication with, and had to look elsewhere to be satisfied.   Well he was always intrigued by the idea of sex between strangers, maybe that’s how he looks at her.  Does she not think he’s playing around on her the rest of the week?  Who knows what games go on between them. I just know I could not stand that. It creeps me out.

Whatever. I can’t know what’s in his head. I dont want to continue to trash him, he does the best he can with what he knows. I think we all do. At times it’s rough. In the hardest times we choose anger over hurt, but eventually you gotta deal with the hurt. When you’re face down in the arena, like Brene says, things look different and you see there are a lot of people hurting.

My friend A is back. He sent me a bunch of pics from his camping trip. We had s nice conversation. I got him up to date on S, since he spent so much time talking me down, and being there for me I just wanted him to know.  He says  good morning sweetie every day. I’m blessed to have him in my life.

I got a message from a nice-looking man on a dating site. We will talk maybe meet when I get back. His profile seems like we’d be compatible. We’ll see I guess.

It’s going to be s fun weekend. The rest of the family is coming tomorrow. Can’t wait to see them all. Just being in that energy of love will be wonderful.

So I need to get to sleep. I’m afraid th coffee they gave me at Starbucks today wasn’t decaf. Because I’m up late and wired.  Well gonna try to get some rest now.

Love and light to all.