Sitting at Dulles airport in D.C. Waiting for my flight home. I’m so tired, really looking forward to sleeping in my own bed. 

Had some thoughts on the first leg of the trip home about how I have always said I was so independent, and don’t need anyone. I may want someone, but don’t need anyone. 

Well yeah. I am. I’ve had to take of myself, and my son, singlehanded lot for the better part of 9 years. And before that, I took care off my small dysfunctional family all by myself while my ex slid download the slippery slope into alcoholism, all the while abusing my son and I.  Is it any wonder I am independent?  

But the thing is, I never wanted to be. I always thought I’d have a partner in life. Never expected to deal with it all alone. By the grace of God. I’m ok, and my son is ok. 

But part of being ok is knowing when to ask and accept help.  When a piece of flashing on my house can loose, I asked for help, when my snow blower wouldn’t start, when I had shrub damage from a terrible tropical storm. Just a week ago a friend loaned me a power washer to clean my deck. 

Still, I think the desire to not want to be alone played a large part in how quickly I fell in love with S. First off, he made me laugh, which was a new concept for me. My marriage had lost any semblance of laughter a decade or two before. For the first 8 or 9 months, when I started seeing him, and I would say, “S, I need to know you. I need to know who you are, what are your passions.” I wanted to see his house so I could imagine him in it. He began to share with me. Told me about his love of wooden boats, about how he felt the ying yang sign described us. He began having me to his home and sharing places he lived with me. 

So… I fell hard and fast. And then, suddenly he began to withdraw. My heart was breaking. There was the prison whore, then his friend dying and suddenly I was alone again.  I kept trying to break it off, he clearly had closed the doors. He would give me just enough to draw me back in, then slam them shut again. 

So, when Betty Boop showed up and he made his choice, devastated as I was, I was practiced at letting go. I was practiced at independence. And I was practiced at thinking about him with another woman. It didn’t take me long to let go and move on. 

Yeah, I’m independent. I’m strong. But I cannot wait to find a man who doesn’t make me be those things 24/7.  I will be more careful this time around, on who I give my heart to.  It will be a man, who like me, is sick of doing it all, all alone. Who like me is capable of it, but doesn’t want to do it for the rest of his life. 

Independence and need… One doesn’t mutually exclude the other. I know what I  want is out there. And I know it’s looking for me. 

Just some tired thoughts from an airport.