Gratitude and Connection

Morning of a new day.  Today I will try to get farther along my path of healing.  Today I will focus on the gifts that I have in the present moment.  Gratitude.

Gratitude, true gratitude, is really how I was able to make the turn from devastated to healing.  I changed my point of view from what I didn’t have, to what I do.  From what didn’t work out, to what did.  I let go of the things that caused me pain, and chose to remember those things that brought me joy.

I had questions, unanswered.  I stopped asking them.  To what purpose would I get the answers?  There would be no joy in the answers, only confirmation of things I “know” without asking.  I let the questions go.

I am grateful, there is always a lesson.  There is always something we can learn from a difficult, even devastating, lesson.  We can always become better people.  We can raise our vibration a bit, we can see more of the big picture than we saw before.  We can ask for help, and find out it’s available.

Our humanness may still grieve, but our spirits will lead us out of it if we can listen to it.  Joy is in living, not in regretting, not in pain.  We have to open the door that was set ajar by the pain, and walk through.  Trust…vulnerability….love and belonging….creativity…inspiration.  Open to something new, that will fill our soul more than what we left behind.

Appreciate, and love those we leave behind.  Love is easier than hate, at least for me.  As I look back on my life, I don’t want to have spent much time hating anyone.  Momentary, perhaps, to get through the first initial shock of pain and betrayal, but it very quickly dissipates.  How could I hate someone I loved so much, moments before?  Can’t, in reality.  In the end, love is all there is.

I don’t hate my ex, I don’t hate S.  I love them both, I hope both find happiness and joy.  My ex…shows no sign of having learned any lesson.  S…idk.  I think he feels safe, right now, comfortable in what he knows. I don’t think it’s joy.  He can’t believe in love, and while I find it sad, it’s not something I can change, it’s not my journey.  I think that unconditional love is something you have to experience over time, you have to see that someone loves you no matter what you have done or do, over time, to believe it.  The kind of love I was blessed to be born into.  No matter how angry my parents would get at me for stupid stuff I did or said, they always loved me. That was the baseline.  It was never crossed. So, just because I can’t invite the chaos that S caused my heart back into my life, I will always love him, and if he needs me, I will be there.  As I am for my ex.  The difference between them, is my ex doesn’t accept that, he believes I want to hurt him.  S, I think, knows I will be there.

A seems to have found joy in his new home, and he has a girlfriend there, and I am so happy for him.  We still talk every day, every night he tells me “Good morning sweetie.”, every morning, a good morning.  Often a nice conversation during the day. There are times when he tells me he wishes he could just lay down next to me and hold me.  I feel the same about him at times.  But we are both moving forward in our lives, knowing that our friendship is not definable, and that we will always be special to each other.  We didn’t have a soul connection, but we have a very close connection anyway.  Our purpose in each other’s lives has been to help each other heal, I am sure.  So maybe it is a soul connection.  Who knows?

Jim, I can’t speak about yet.  I don’t know him well enough.  I think he would like to go deeper than he is, he sent me a good morning text as I write.  Sweet, it was nice.

I am blessed by the people in my life, the ones who have been and have moved on, and the ones who have stayed.  I’m grateful for them all.

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