The picture above is from Brene Bown’s book Rising Strong. It is a short chapter on nostalgia.  She talks about how nostalgic memories don’t always  tell the truth, and they should always be cross examined “recognizing and accepting the inconsistencies and gaps in those that make us proud and happy as well as those that cause us pain”. 

Oh my. Such sage advice.  I tend to look at experiences in my life as black or white, good or bad. My marriage I think of as bad, as black. But you know if I was with the man for 40 years it wasn’t  all bad. My son came from that union, and a lot of good things. That it ended badly doesn’t mean it was all bad. 

As with relationships since. I tend to remember the good times as the way it was, before S’s friend died last spring. And while there were many memorable times, New Years Eve, Sunday afternoon excursions, happy nights and afternoons, there were a lot of moments when we weren’t even speaking.  I just chose to gloss them over.  But it never was the way I’ve tried to remember it. 

I tend to shelve stuff the way it’s easiest for me to access it.  I’m going to have to face the reality of what was, in both cases, and glean the lessons that were given to me when I see the whole picture.  

I love the quote, highlighted in the picture. I used to hear so many stories of days gone by from S. Stories which romanticized his history. But I also know it didn’t all turn out that way for him.  It was a distraction, for both of us.  It made him an interesting man to me, and he was a good story teller. But he also, to his credit, told me how many of the stories ended up.  I didn’t judge, ever. But sometimes I think the fact that I knew the whole story made him uncomfortable with me in the end. He feels safer with someone who doesn’t know. 

Whatever. Just some thoughts on what we do with our memories.