Been texting with A all morning. The bond we had has been strengthened by our experiences since he’s been gone. He’s such a good guy. So open, so willing, so true to himself. 

He has a new gf, but I think if I were there, he wouldn’t have her. I missed him a lot this week. He’s the only man I trust right now.  He had always been there for me. He just told me again that he loves me.  He has not mentioned her all morning. 

Sometimes I think I could spend time with him in the desert, and then he could spend time with me in Florida, and in between we could have our own space.  

I don’t think he’s thought of that, or at least didn’t think I’d be open to it. I might be.  I told him this morning I could do it for awhile, but I’d need to get back to the water too.  We didn’t talk about it more.  He’s fairly committed to his new gf, tho he told me they’ve not slept together yet. This morning he wished he was here. 

I’m not sure really, if it’s a real possibility for me. But I’ve never had an unpleasant moment with him. Regardless of how shitty I’ve been to him because of S. Maybe because when I have been shitty to him, I’ve owned it. And apologized, and learned from it. 

S wanted to know why he and I can’t have a relationship like that. Because, quite simply, S cannot love anyone. S is out for himself.  If he sees the shortest way to what he wants is to trample you, then he will.  And he had no ability to truthfully critique himself. 

A has always been a friend first. S had always been a user of people.  

That’s why A and I are close. And S and I don’t speak much, and when we do, it never ends well. I can’t be used any longer for his self gratification. I love him, from a safe distance.  But I don’t want him anymore. 

I didn’t want A, because I wanted S. Now I see the wonderful man A really is. I see how big and loving his heart is, and I know he loves me. No matter what happens, he will always be a blessing in my life. 

Just making notes to myself I guess.