Today was kinda rough. But there is no growth without pain, is there?
After texting with S yesterday, which never comes to any good end, I just cut it off, and thought that I’d not hear from him for a few days, but I heard from him today on his lunch break. And again, to no good end. Yesterday I cut it off when it started to get ugly, today, it got ugly, and I blocked him, for good. I have no desire to argue with him, and that was the only point. To argue over nothing, as if it mattered how it turned out. It didn’t matter, it doesn’t matter, and I’m sick of it. Why argue when you have no relationship? What’s the point? I don’t want anything from him, except to be left alone by him. It’s over and done.
As in the Rumi quote, watch my rising.
There is no need for ugliness. The love doesn’t disappear, it just transforms, into something else, a different kind of caring, that doesn’t leave your heart aching and your stomach upset. It wasn’t my choice then, now it’s a choice I agree with. It’s a choice I want, I want to be free of the old encumbrance, I want nothing to hold me back from finding that which I want. I don’t want to ruin what are good memories with any more bad ones. It’s like my dysfunctional marriage, I still can remember many good times, even though the ending was ugly, but I want no more ugly memories to add to it. And the same with S. No more memories at all, just let it be done.
As it should have been ages ago, way before Betty Boop came back. Long ago. With the prison whore probably. Or when the first signs of withdrawal showed after his friend died.
But whatever, it’s over now. I don’t want a text, a voice mail, an email. I don’t want one more minute of it. The longing is turning into something that I don’t want to feel, the missing him is starting to feel ridiculous. Missing what? I don’t know. Nothing that I can’t live without. Nothing that I haven’t lived without for a long time, and nothing that I don’t feel better without now.
He has his “one, the one”. My opinions about that are none of his business, nor is how I feel about him or see him. Whether or not I can still unconditionally love him, is none of his business. I hope he quits thinking about it, and tries to make something work in his life. With her. And leave me alone.
He said he wanted to find a way to keep me in his life. There is no way. I don’t want to be in it. I get to make that choice, and I made it, irrevocably today. Too much ugliness. I’m just done with it.
Lessons, there are always lessons. Even the ones you think are hard, and you hated learning them, raise you to a place you’d not been before, if you choose to learn them. Watch me rise….watch the experience lift me into a smarter, wiser, more tender, more loving place. Every experience can lift you or knock you down. Trust always, that what happened was supposed to happen, and glean from it what you can that will help you grow.
That is my intention. To grow, to be better than I was.