This morning, since I had given my ex some thought in my previous post, on my way to work I called him, just to say hi. The exchange was short. I told him I was just calling to see how he was doing. He said, as  always “it’s one day at a time..” I asked him about the business because I’d seen it closed. He said “it’s all gone Deb. Everything. ” I said, “it can be an opportunity to start something new…”  He said “that’s what I’m trying to do. ” 

Though, I know he’s not.  I know him too well.  And I could tell, his statement about it all being gone was meant to convey that it was my fault, for leaving him. He’s never been accountable to himself for his alcoholism or his extreme abuse of my son and I.  

Still…I’m ok, I want to extend myself to him. 

He sounded so lost. With no direction. And no one in his life. It’s been his choice, but it made me so sad. I had to say goodbye before I started crying. He thanked me for thinking of him. 

I hung up and just cried half the way to work. Such a once vibrant, smart man, so defeated by himself and his choices. I have known him 42 years. 

I don’t know if I did the right thing. I just thought, “put your money where your mouth is, and extend yourself to those that most need it. Look past your own pain, because you have a good life.  You have people, you have a home, a job, a life. ”

But now I feel unsettled. Like I let some dark energy into my life. Need to do a cleanse I think. 

I also texted A this morning. As always he made it easy on me, but I know he’s so disappointed. He avoided the hard conversation, which was what I wanted but didn’t press it. I told him I love him very much but I’m not in love with him, so I think we should just let it go. 

God… I still feel bad but it would have been a disaster for him to fly out here with some expectation. I just can’t do that, lead someone on. So while I’m relieved, I’m probably ly feeling some loss too. 

I need to get out of this funk. Lots of negative energy in my life this week, and it’s taking its toll on me. Need to hang out with my girlfriends I think, have a drink, relax and count my blessings.