My heart has felt like a broken shell this week. First dashed upon the rocks, by the great waves of lies and deceit that I faced,  when it was already cracked. Then the pieces were pummeled into the sand, as the depths of what had happened sank into my psyche. 

I feel like I’m back on the breakup diet, it makes me feel a little sick. Not just the lies and deceit, but the silence. Not an “I’m sorry. ”  Not an acknowledgment of pain piled on top of endless pain that I never deserved.  Not a kind word or gesture.  As if I was just trivial. As if any woman wouldn’t have been furious to have been so deceived. Yet still…

Also the letting go of A, who has been my rock through all of this.  

I’ve been feeling so alone. 

Today I got a message from a man whose profile I have disregarded.  Didn’t like his pic. Shallow…I know. He’s visited my profile something like 20 times. I read his profile for the first time, and I liked it!  He seems quite outside the box, and loves the water.  And I liked his other pictures too.  

So I answered him. 

And I think another man is going to call tonight. 

A third man “liked” everyone of my pictures, and messaged me. I answered him too. 

I’m reading in my book that when the hard lessons are learned, we can be open to the joy we seek. 

I guess I’ll always miss S, the one I thought he was. But maybe, just maybe, the universe is putting people in my path that will make me forget how much I loved him, even though I know full well that I loved a made- up character in an exclusive play, that only he had the script to.   Like the Steven Stills song “Southern Cross” – “somebody fine gonna come along, make me forget about loving you.” 

Maybe what I’ve been asking for is knocking on my door. I’ll find out, but it just makes me think there’s a light at the end of the dark tunnel I’ve been in for so long.  

I can almost see it. 😊