Tomorrow I will have a new computer. My old one just crapped completely out, like a massive heart attack in an apparently healthy person.  Took less than a minute to go from working fine to not at all. Whatever. 

I just came home from my gong “bath” meditation. I said to my cousin on the way there, “I need to get ahold of myself I need to get s grip.”  I don’t know why this whole thing has been so hard for me.  5 or 6 days ago I felt like something was wrong with S, physically.  I sent him a text saying so, and saying I hoped I was just misreading my own emotions. Today I got 2 single word emails telling me I was right. 

Why do I have this connection with him?  I could get over it, in fact will feel fine about it and then, boom, right between the eyes literally. My third eye picks up some crazy vibration and I am right back in there. Two words today, and no more. He teases me with two words and then will not respond to me. 

Maybe it’s just as well?  Idk. I missed him today. Too much trauma this week. FB. My ex. Letting A go.  Computer dies.  Just can’t deal. If I could just go away and not have it back in my face in a new way every few days I might get over it. 

At the gong bath I went into a really deep meditation. I wanted to just get over, or under, whatever, all of this weight.  Of loving, of caring too much, of sadness, of loneliness, of jealousy. So that was my intention, set before I got there. I asked for help from any spirit that could help me. 

I relived, unintentionally, so many intimate moments with S.   I didn’t cry, it was like holding a strand of precious pearls that made up part of my life.  I was glad to have those memories.  

I did the ho’oponopono for a lot of the time.  While I was doing it, directing it at S and at my ex, I remember a cognitive thought that I should be doing it for myself, because I’m the only one that I know for sure is suffering and needs healing. Both of them may need it, but I don’t know for sure.  I redirected it inward. 

I often during the gong bath get a “chill”. But it’s a chill which starts internally, in my heart or solar plexus chakras,  and radiates outward. It a release. Tonight they were almost non-stop. I was glad I had a warm blanket. I have the blanket always , I get these chills in July just like in November. Only at the gong bath. 

Then after the gong bath was over, people started talking about this island retreat off the coast.  How beautiful and peaceful it was. It is a special place that S took me to about a year ago. Back when he lived in gratitude that he was alive, and shared parts of his life with me. Oddly enough on the way to the gong bath, my cousin had mentioned she might take her family down there during the Thsnksgiving holiday break. And my book club had just asked if we could look into weekend retreats there, so earlier in the week I had been researching it.  And today, after the very limited contact with S, I was imagining asking him to meet me there. Because I missed him, and the energy there would be conducive to talking. 

Anyway, none of this was known to my friends who put on the gong baths. She just mentioned it might be a nice venue to hold one at, outdoors. And she was going to look into it. Often when I have gone into a deep meditation during the gongs, the conversation following the gongs drifts to exactly what has been on my mind.  And it has been popping up in so many conversations.  A lot of validation of my thoughts. 

I think there’s a reason.  

On the way home I just listened to my gut, to my heart.  Intently. Not trying to weigh the right or wrong of it, but just, did I feel it, did it feel right in my gut or did it make me shake and cry. 

I called S, his phone went right to voice mail. I don’t think I’m blocked, he often just shuts it off now that we aren’t talking til we go to bed.  Because he and BB don’t talk. I left him a voice mail, asking if he wanted to meet me there sometime. I told him about the clear signs I’d gotten. 

So, I don’t know if I’ll hear from him or not. I’d like to think I will, that he maybe misses me too. That we maybe have some unfinished business that keeps us both holding on. At least I know I do.

Interesting night.  I’m going to bed now, after writing this whole thing on my phone.  I did actually feel better after the gongs though, so I think all those chills were release of a lot emotion around S.  

Love and light.