This morning I had the worst feeling of being upset. My sacral and solar plexus were nauseous. I know this did not come from me. There is nothing in my life to cause this kind of feeling.
It came from S. I know he read my last couple blogs and sees what he did to me ans to Betty. And I know he knows she has access to them now. No hiding. Tho, I have no way of knowing if she read them. Maybe she did. And told him. No way to know, I am not tuned in to her.
But it’s one of those things I cannot give into. He has to deal with it, not me. He has always known I put up what’s real here. That I lay everything out on the table, and try to live my life cleanly. I can own my story and stand in my truth.
But I know he is sad, sick, that he had hurt us both, but mostly Betty. He’s sick that he underestimated my strength. He was so brazen about it. Thinking he was so smart getting away with it for so long.
And now he feels sick over it. In my old life I would have messaged him asking what was wrong. I might even have offered advice. Today I stay away. None of my business. Staying out of that loop.
Add-on: Actually I gave him way too much credit. He’s only sick that he got caught. I keep assigning normal human emotion to him. But he is incapable of feeling them. There I go, thinking he’s way better than he is.
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Hallelujah! Lol So glad you have turned that corner. It’s great to be kind n loving to others, except when it’s unkind n unloving to ourselves ya know? I’m finding it liberating being out of the toxic drama loop. Hope u are too! 🙂
I just remembered when he went to see his sister the weekend I had surgery, August 28. He texted me from there that night and said “I’m a fucking asshole and you should be done with me.” I said “did you cheat on me?” He answered “NO!” I said “then you’re not an asshole.” Then he told me he was drunk, not to pay any attention to him. I knew that his relationship with his sister was strained at best. I wrote the blog “the story in his eyes” and sent it to him. To let him know I saw him and loved him. He loved the blog.
But really he was feeling guilty for stringing me along then. But couldn’t tell me the truth.
So many lies….. But that was me standing in my truth.
Actually I gave him way too much credit. He’s only sick that he got caught. I keep assigning normal human emotion to him. But he is incapable of feeling them.